Crucifixion? This way……..

[Note: for those who haven't read my match reports before, they are an entirely fictional waste of time and no offence should be taken as none is intended.]

Even before I left the house I knew that a match against Caldy was going to be an exhausting fixture, and I wasn’t even on the team sheet. Little did I know things were going to get a whole lot worse before we even reached Paton Field. As usual I had arranged to pick Minty and Will up on my way through to Caldy. They jumped in the car and I could tell by the sombre look on Minty’s face that something was very wrong. He wasn’t his usual chirpy self and the conversation was slow and drawn. After a few minutes I decided that I had to get to the heart of the matter and cut through the veneer of politeness that I could tell Minty was straining to maintain. “Are you alright, Minty?” I enquired. That turned out to be my first mistake of the day……….”I no longer wish to be known as Minty. I find it oppressive. From now on I would like to exercise my right, as can any other man (or woman) to be known as Loretta!”

Just to top that off I’d also received a couple of text about players with illness and Jamie had sustained an injury from the school game the day before, Hayesie still with his arm strapped up from the school game on Thursday.

As we arrived at Paton Field we were confronted by some parents from another team. Possibly due to the fact that I sport a black top with yellow collars (and maybe because of my handsome and debonair good looks?) the visiting supporters asked “Are you a CRUFC coach?” My response was immediate “Get lo-ost![censored version] I’m a WRUFC coach! "

This episode took me back to the start of the season when Louis asked if he could join Wirral having previously played for Caldy. Having exceptionally tight and challenging criteria for joining the Wirral U14 squad I asked “To join Wirral you have to really hate Caldy.” Louis responded “I do, I do!” His interview was immediately over “Right, you’re in then!”

As KO neared, I knew more than ever that the pre-match team talk was vitally important. I thought I’d get their blood up by a bit of Caldy bashing……”OK guys, do we all hate Caldy?” The response was entirely united except for a lone voice “I don’t”. Wondering why any Wirral player wouldn’t agree I responded “What have Caldy ever done for rugby on the Wirral?” The answers came back from various quarters of the squad “They’re one of the oldest clubs on the Wirral”, “And they have a strong Mini & Junior set up”, “Their first XV play in one of the National Leagues”, “They do very well at attracting sponsors”, “And they have a beer festival”. Knowing that the team talk wasn’t going according to plan I knew I had to turn things around and convincingly said “Yeah! But apart from being one of the oldest clubs on the Wirral, having strong Mini & Junior set up, playing in the National Leagues, attracting sponsors and having a beer festival, what have Caldy ever done for rugby on the Wirral?” Before there was any opportunity for a response I continued “So there’s not one of us that wouldn’t gladly die to beat Caldy?” After a brief silence an uncertain answer came “Errrr, well one….” Trying to rescue the situation I responded “Yeah. But apart from that were solid?”

Porky then interjected with a somewhat more direct approach and spluttered “Gweggo, Awold…..get in there and thwow them to the gwound……woughly. Vewy woughly!”

So everything wasn’t really going according to plan whatsoever. We had agreed to play in quarters and for the first ten minutes the play was fairly even, Wirral working the ball up to the Caldy end of the pitch close to the try line but the Caldy defence held strong and after the clearance kick play came to the Wirral try line but this time Wirral held strong as the ball was grounded just short of the line. Play stayed at the Wirral end until after repeated attempts Caldy managed to go over and score. For the first two quarters play continued in a similar way with Caldy’s speedy centres and wingers making the difference in breaking and running in a total of five tries. Joe sustained a neck injury and so had to come off and sell otters’ nipple chips on the touchline while Ben went to the wing, Woodsy came into the centre and Conor went to full back. By half time Wirral were still to get on the score sheet.

At half time Minty had a discussion with the players about covering for each other and if a player is tackled leaving his (or her) position vacant then his (or her) team mate should react immediately by having a discussion about who should cover the gap he (or she) has left.
As the second half began we swapped suicide squads and most of the pack changed and there was a bit of a shuffle in the backs with Joe deciding that his broken neck wasn’t quite as severe as he had initially thought. I think he’d just remembered that he hadn’t got his weekly try yet.

Wirral put good pressure on Caldy and again was camped 5 metres out for some time. After a number of probing phases, the ball was recycled and Donny took his chance and dived over for Wirral’s first score in the corner. This was soon followed by Joe making one of his trademark breaks through the middle and breaking tackles all the way to the line and diving over the whitewash.

It was around this time that Caldy made a break and the ball came to their winger who ran the ball from just past their 22 along the touchline and looked to be through but Will had decided that he was going to end the run and cut across to make the covering tackle which was executed superbly taking out the Caldy winger and a supporter and her umbrella. There was a short delay while everyone checked they were OK! From there on it was pretty much end to end stuff with Caldy scoring three times and Wirral adding another two at the hands of Ben.

All in all a tough match. Caldy’s speed and defence edged Wirral’s and they deserved the result. Thanks to Jonathan and his team for hosting us and thanks to the ref.

As we left I asked Minty to look after the ball bag to which he responded “Don’t oppress me!” Tough day all round.

We came with nothing, we went home with nothing. So what did we lose? Nothing! Always look on the bright side of life.

Half a dinare for me life story?