Wirral vs Mold

Get your motor running, head out on the highway…… so sang Steppenwolf on the 1969 film, Easy Rider. What has this to do with rugby? Absolutely nothing, but read on.
Born to be wild……….
Welcome to the first match report of the 2016-17 season and what a season it promises to be for Wirral’s under 14’s. Since their last match, Leicester City have won the Premier League, Britain has voted to pull up the drawbridge to Europe while leaving the Channel Tunnel open, Theresa May is now top Tory and Jeremy Corbyn is firmly ensconced as top Trot and, well, England football is looking for yet another manager. Don’t you just love ‘entrapment?’
And so it came to pass that on Sunday 2nd October, supporters turned up in their droves to see the return of International rugby to Wirral’s Memorial Ground. It was the sort of crowd that Matty Cairns and the 1st XV can only dream about playing in front of and Andrew Broadbent has been busy trying to arrange for the 1st XV to play a curtain-raiser before the next Under 14’s game, so that the senior players can experience a ‘big crowd’ match.
Today, we welcomed Mold RUFC who were making one of their cross-border forays on to English soil. As Wirral under 14’s North Wales representative, I was given the job of interpreter for our guests from across Offa’s Dyke. Actually, as no one at Wirral can understand a word of what coach and new Chairman of minis and juniors, Shaun Seddon, ever says, then our guests from Mold could be forgiven for their blank expressions.
So: ‘croeso, clwb rygbu Yr Wyddgrug.’
Despite its fungal-sounding name, Mold is really quite a nice place, being located on the Afon Alyn in Flintshire, formerly Clwyd. According to the 2011 census, 10,058 folk choose to live there. Rhys Ifans left there to be a famous actor and Jonny Buckland left nearby Pantymwyn to play guitar for Coldplay. Robin McBryde passed through Mold RUFC on his way to being forwards’ coach for Wales.
Mold arrived at Wirral eager to restore dented national pride after Liverpool’s ‘smash and grab’ win at Swansea City, the previous day. While coaches Seddon and Chandler put the home players through their warm-up drills, Mold boldly took to the field having seemingly warmed up in the carpark. They were ready to rumble. Coach Seddon gave one of his colourful ‘blood and snot’ pre-match team talks (none of which is quotable) while Coach Chandler translated for the players.
For today’s match, Wirral’s front three would be Josh C, Ben S and Harry G, the locks would be Kai C and Caleb M-S and the back row forwards would be Christy C and Cameron M-M with Isaac N at No8. In the backs, Jacob T would play 9, Peter B at 10, the centres would be Evan R and Lawrie S, with Julian M-O and Christian H on the wings and Ollie P at full back. The subs would be Rhys G, Isaac S and Miles and everyone was sure to get lots of rugby.
Wirral’s own Craig Jubert, Mr Graeme Nisbet, was kindly volunteered to be our match referee and he summoned Wirral’s captain, Josh C to meet his opposite number and a coin was tossed. As is traditional, Josh C kindly let Mold win the toss and they prepared to kick off. The weather was absolutely perfect for rugby with bright sunshine and a total absence of any hint of a breeze. As the teams lined up for the kick-off, news filtered through that BBC hot-shot reporter Laura Kuenssberg was stuck at Switch Island and was likely to miss the game. She sent her apologies and she was now stuck with reporting on the Tory party conference in Birmingham, poor girl.
As kick-off approached the cacophony of noise from the crowd rose to a crescendo as supporters roared encouragement to the players. “Come on Wirral!” shouted the home supporters. “Dewch ymlaen Yr Wyddgrug!” shouted the visitors from the other side of the pitch. In the middle, Mr Nisbet blew his whistle and we were underway.
Mold kicked off into a non-existent breeze and Wirral successfully gathered the ball without knocking-on, which is always a bonus. Wirral set off up the pitch and things were going well until the ball was stolen in a ruck and three passes later the ball got to one of Mold’s ‘flyers’ who blazed a trail of smoking turf down the wing, dodging tackles from left and right, to touch down in the corner. Conversion missed.
Peter B took the restart, which was nice and deep, but four passes later and the ball got to another of their flyers, who went by the name of Ash, who left a trail of scorched turf to score from 60 yards out. By this point the groundsman was wanting the game stopped so he wouldn’t have to re-turf the pitch this early in the season. Conversion hit the outside of the post and was missed.
The restart was claimed by the visitors and their progress up the pitch was halted, well paused, by one of Josh C’s signature ‘kamikaze’ tackles somewhere at ankle level. One phase and a few passes later and another of their flyers broke down the left wing but, unfortunately, he ran out of gasoline and fell over, exhausted. Fortunately, the support players were there to carry on the attack and five passes later they touched down for another try. Conversion missed.
So, with less than ten minutes on the clock, Wirral were three scores down and hadn’t woken up yet. The visitors were ‘on fire’ and were playing some great stuff, it has to be said. But that’s Welsh rugby for you. It wasn’t long before they burst through the home defence to run in another try. This time the conversion was launched Dan Bigger style between the uprights.
The next five minutes saw play ebb back and forth between the ten meter lines and the highlights were a charging run from Kai-bosh C with visiting defenders hanging off him in festoons and a Peter B tackle. Christy C was creating mayhem at the breakdown and tackling anything that moved whether they had the ball or not and regardless of which team they played for. Evan R and Lawrie S were throwing themselves into tackles that madmen wouldn’t risk and Caleb M-S was putting in a shift at the coal-face, gathering the ball and running into contact. Unfortunately, Mold were just a better team and they were able to steal the ball at a ruck and give it to one of their pace-men, of which they seemed to have several, and they were able to register another converted try. By now, chief scorer Mr Graham had broken his abacus trying to keep up with the scoring.
As the prospect of a cricket score was becoming evident, Mrs Founds, aka Hannah the Boss, asked if the promise of ice creams all round would help inspire the home team. Coach Seddon replied that it always worked for him. It was at this point that she announced to the assembled supporters that she had recently passed her motor bike riding test (cycling proficiency test with engines) and that if things didn’t improve, she would ride down to Rhyl Promenade on her Lambretta and trash it. “Yes, but we’re playing Mold” she was reliably informed. “Ok, then I’ll do a Lady Godiva on a Harley.” Oh Lord.
Born to be wild. Hannah the Boss- Wirral’s own Easy Rider.
Back on the pitch, play went on in a generally ‘one way traffic’ direction. Another Peter B tackle merely delayed the inevitable and the visitors burst through the home defensive line to register another try. The conversion this time bounced the right side off the upright for the extra points.
Mold gathered the re-start and set off down the right wing only for the collective might of Ben Seddon, Julian M-O and Harry the Badger G to drive them into touch. While Mold lined up expectantly, Wirral’s forwards went into a huddle, supposedly to discuss tactics, but more likely to discuss Strictly Come Dancing, the X Factor and FIFA 17. “Come on, Wirral, you don’t need a Mother’s Union meeting for an un-contested lineout” suggested our match referee, Mr Nisbet.
While Mrs Founds was telling everybody how much she was looking forward to starting contact with her ladies rugby team, Mold stole the ball and broke away to score another try in the corner. The conversion was missed. “I’ll be here next week without any teeth” she added.
At this point, Mr Nisbet blew his whistle to bring the first half to a rather one-sided close.

Half time score: Wirral - 0 Mold - 41.

While the players got a drink, the conversation on the touchline quickly turned to ‘hard’ and ‘soft’ Brexit, the price of fish and Mr Cottier informed the assembled supporters about Mr Corbyn’s plans and how sales of talc were rocketing due to bikers in the Neston area. Mrs Stothard complained about a lack of fluid replacement for the players at half time and that dehydration was the sole reason for our players’ first half lethargy. Late nights with Xboxes and mobile phones is a more likely explanation.

After an all too brief period of repose, Mr Nisbet brought things to order and we were ready to go for the second half. All Wirral’s subs were on and only a quick count-up of players by the referee saw three players come off. Rhys G was sent on with the express instruction to score seven tries and Isaac S and Miles were instructed to not to concede any more.
With a blast on Mr Nisbet’s whistle, Peter B kicked the ball into Welsh territory. In a move straight out of Warren Gatland’s coaching handbook, Mold gathered the ball and booted it straight back through the advancing Wirral hordes. As the home team paused, wondering what to do next, the kicker chased through and kicked it on towards the try line. As the accolades for ‘try of the season’ were being prepared, he picked up the ball and promptly dropped it over the line. Scrum to Wirral and a collective mass groan from the visiting supporters.
Wirral were able to win their scrum and punt the ball to halfway where it was gathered and returned at speed. As the visitors foraged around the 5 metre line, a resulting scrum to Wirral was lost and the visitors powered over. Conversion scored.
Play ebbed back and forth and sideways across the pitch as both teams vied for supremacy. Mold had a player carried off to massed applause but, soon after, they set off down the wing to score in the corner. Conversion missed.
At this point Mr Simmonds sent the family pet dog on to the pitch in an effort to get the match abandoned. Unfortunately, as soon as anyone looked at it, it ran back to its master. Meanwhile, in an effort not to be misquoted in these lines, Mrs M-S sat alone, deep in conversation with her pet dog. Beats talking to your husband, I suppose.
It has to be said that, at this point, Mold’s dominance of the game ended as a sizeable number of the home players started waking up and most of the last fifteen minutes was played in the visitor’s 22. Kai-bosh C and Josh C both had good carries with the ball deep into Mold territory and, at last, Wirral got their rolling maul going, that Mold could only collapse. Ollie P and Peter B made good tackles and Cameron MM and Christian H started copying Christy C and were creating havoc at the breakdown. On two occasions the ball bobbled loose inside the Mold 5 metre line and all it needed was for a home player to pick it up and take two steps to touch it down for a deserved try. With 70 points for a conversion, we’d have won the game. Sadly, our players, in this instance, were just too polite and they held back for the visitors to pick the ball up- and then they tackled them. Even the visiting coaches and supporters were desperate for our boys to score a try. To add to the frustration, Mold grabbed the ball and ran in two tries from 80 yards out. Both conversions good.
At this point, Mr Nisbet was on the verge of collapse and so he blew his whistle to bring proceedings to a close.

Final score: Wirral - 0 Mold - 67.

Llongyfarchiadau ac da iawn rygbu, Yr Wythgrug.

At this point it was time for hip hip hurrays and the formation of tunnels for running through.
Then, it was time for the massed crowds to head for the clubhouse to take advantage of the fine selection of ales on offer, before the pumps broke down. Mold looked a very good side and their players talked to each other and they had players with pace, which always helps.
Get your motor running, head out on the highway….. just follow Hannah the Boss.

Nos da.
Ash.