Ellesmere Port vs Wirral

No sun will shine on my day today….. so sang Bob Marley and his Wailer mates on ‘Concrete Jungle’ which was the opening song on their million-seller 1973 album ‘Catch A Fire.’ What has this to do with rugby? Well, as is traditional on these ramblings, absolutely nothing. I just like the album and felt we could do with a bit of a Reggae rhythm, this week. All syncopated, you know. After last week’s match, a bit of wacky baccy wouldn’t have gone amiss among the home supporters.
Before last week’s match report could be posted, this week’s visitors to the Memorial Ground, New Brighton, phoned up saying they couldn’t field a team and surrendered the match. Any celebrations at our first win of the season, all be it by default, were soon cut short when it was announced that we were playing Ellesmere Port away. Whose idea was that?
And so it came to pass that Wirral’s own ‘barmy army’ of supporters that follow the Under 14’s set off in their droves for the Whitby Wheel-tappers and Shunters’ Social Club in Ellesmere Port. The sun was beating down and with another thirty degrees it would have been truly ‘tropical.’
As the players assembled, Wirral’s own Wailers, Screech Seddon, Tinlegs Ivory and Scratchy Chandler, put them through their paces and added the final touches to their tactics and team selection. For today’s match, Wirral would line up with a front row of Josh C, Ben S and Caleb M-S, our locks would be Kai-bosh C and Cameron M-M and the back row would include flankers Christie C and Julian M-O with Isaac N as No8. In the backs division, Miles H would play 9, Peter B would be 10, Tom P returned to the wing with Christian H on the other wing. Lawrie S and Evan R would be the centres and Rhys G would play full back.
The plan was to get in the faces of the opposition and ‘Stir it Up.’ That was the plan, anyway. As the teams lined up, Tinlegs Ivory put on a shiny new pair of boots that he’d purchased off the Interweb which turned out to be identical to the shiny new pair of boots that Scratchy Chandler had also recently bought off the Interweb. They must have been ‘on offer.’ BOGOF- get a left with a right. On the touchline, Mrs Founds, aka Hannah the Boss, talked about hers “always being a bit ragged-looking but they taste very nice.” Everyone around was reassured to receive clarification that she was talking about her cakes. She always makes her own, unlike Mrs Seddon, who doesn’t.
While this merry banter was going on, Captain Josh C had been summoned to the middle to meet the match referee and his opposite number from Ellesmere Port. As is customary, Josh C allowed Port to win the toss and the home side prepared to kick off.
With a blast on the ref’s whistle, Port kicked off into a non-existent breeze but with the sun at their backs which meant that the sun was shining into Wirral’s faces in the first half. Now the sun might well shine on the Righteous but that’s no good if you’re trying to spot a ball dropping out of the sky. Julian M-O took a good catch but so dazzled were his team mates that they soon lost the ball and then failed to see the Port player flying down their left flank to score the opening try. Conversion good.
Peter B took the re-start and in a contrast to last week, the chase was good. Some good tackling from Josh C and Miles M created mayhem and forced the knock-on. Despite a backwards travelling scrum, Wirral retained the ball and Tom P did some really good work but the ball was soon lost and it needed a superb double- tackle from Tom P again to delay progress down the right. Port were forced to play the ball down the middle where one of Port’s bigger lads (and they have plenty) was able to sell the dummy to Peter B and Rhys G and run between them and, unfortunately, he kept on running all the way to the try line, for another score. Easy conversion scored.
Despite being two scores down with ten minutes on the clock, Wirral were playing better. They were using a blitz defence, which hadn’t been coached and they were tackling the Port receivers as the got the ball rather than when they were running at them, full pelt. This was forcing rushed passes and knock-ons- we were getting in their faces. The problem was that when we had been awarded the scrum, the Port pack did the job and the ball was reclaimed. Dammit.
On the touchline, Mr Cottier informed the visiting supporters that it was all about winning ‘small victories.’ Quite right- if we win all the rucks, mauls, tackles, scrums and line-outs then we’ll be hard to beat. It was agreed that we should target winning our line-outs because they are un-contested.
Soon after, we lost one of our scrums and the ball got to their winger who was off faster than a toupee in a wind tunnel to score another try. Again the conversion was successful.
It didn’t take long for the home side to burst through the Wirral centre with Isaac N in hot pursuit. The pursuit was successful and the ball carrier was hauled to the ground but, sadly, not before he’d been able to off-load the ball to a supporting player who was able to run the ball in for the last five metres. Try of the day, I would say. Conversion was again successful.
Peter B took the restart and the chase was good. The ball was reclaimed and Wirral were able to enjoy a brief spell of possession and go on the attack for the first time, almost. Lawrie S and Evan R advanced into the home 22 and it took desperate defence to force winger Christian H into touch. From the line-out, Port, in desperation, hacked the ball down the field, where in the face of two marauding Port players bearing down on him, Rhys G gathered the ball superbly and ran into touch. There was no way he was going to get caught in possession. Port won the un-contested line-out and set off down the field dodging tackles from all sides to score another try. The spell of Wirral pressure had obviously rattled the kicker because the conversion was missed.
Straight from the restart, almost, Port were able to run in another try right under the posts so it made the conversion easier. Conversion was scored.
At this point our match referee called a half-time pause to proceedings in the time-honoured way by blowing his whistle.

Half time score: Ellesmere Port - 40 Wirral - 0.

Following Mrs Stothard’s comments last week about the perils of dehydration, all the players had a drink and it was noticed that Kai C had played the whole of the first half with a gum shield. Well done Kai for getting this essential piece of kit. As the players took fluid on board, attention switched to Steve McCann’s Under 15’s who were playing on the next pitch. They seemed to be scoring more than they were conceding. Negotiations opened to see if we could send on half a dozen of their players as our second half substitutes. While everybody doubted that the referee would notice the switch, Mrs McCann was keen for their players not to get confused and corrupted by Screech Seddon’s unique coaching methods.
And so it was left for new boy Louis to come on as winger with Tom P moving to full back so that Rhys G could have a well-deserved rest. Jacob T came on at scrum half and Ollie P came on the other wing. Meanwhile the sun continued to shine and deceive all the spectators that they were in totally tropical climes of Jamaica rather than in the northern industrial power house. In fact, with trees all around and a total absence of industrial chimneys and smoke, it was very easy to agree with Mr Cottier’s explanation that eighteen months of this Tory government had seen Ellesmere Port go the way of every other industrial centre in this country. “Port Talbot’s sure to be next, once they wipe out the workers’ pensions” he added.
After a blast on the referee’s whistle, Peter B kicked off the second half, launching the ball high into the sky so that it dropped out of the sun. This plan failed, possibly because the home team all had invisible sunglasses or possibly because the sun had dipped behind the only cloud in the sky. Whatever the reason, the ball was claimed and one pass later a Port player was flying down the left wing like an electrocuted cat to score under the posts. Easy conversion.
The next restart had the desired effect and resulted in a knock-on. Sadly the Wirral scrum was splintered and Port reclaimed the ball and despite a heroic tackle from Ollie P to delay matters, the Port juggernaut rumbled on for a score in the corner. In a conversion kick from the touchline as good (I mean this) as any that you’d see in the Aviva Premiership or the Pro 12 this weekend, the ball sailed between the uprights for the extra two. This caused me to scrub out ‘missed’ after ‘conversion’ in my notes. I thought he had no chance. An amazing kick.
Despite the mounting score in the ‘against’ column, Wirral continued to press and advance up the field in an all too brief spell of possession. Unfortunately, as Wirral enjoyed their ‘moment’ in the home team’s 22, the ball was lost and the Port player set off down the right wing like a buffalo with its tail on fire, handing off would-be tacklers left and right. Tom P still had his palm print in the middle of his face at teatime. No one was going to stop this charge and another score was added. The more run-of-the-mill conversion was scored.
Wirral continued to press from the re-start and after claiming the ball Lawrie S set off on one of his signature weaving 20 yard runs that took Wirral towards the home team’s five metre line. As Wirral threatened to open their account, an unfortunate knock-on gave Port a chance to lump the ball down the field. In a switch to association football rules the Port chaser was able to propel the ball down the pitch and, three kicks later, he was able to dab it down for a try. Conversion scored.
Port claimed the restart but the ball carrier was flattened by a marauding Caleb M-S tackle that temporarily took the wind out of his sails and had his mother, Mrs M-S purring on the touchline. “That’s my boy” she exclaimed, looking resplendent in her floppy cap. Mrs M-S informed the assembled supporters that she’d used Bruce the cockerel to get Caleb out of bed this morning. Apparently she’d just thrown the bird on top of his duvet- it works every time.
Back on the pitch, Louis attempted a tackle of his own and he had a ‘welcome to international rugby’ moment as he got flattened. Still nobody else got near to making a tackle and another try was registered. The conversion was missed. A visibly traumatised Louis was led off the field for a lie down and a Junior Disprin. It’s alright, Matthew Tait still hasn’t got over his ‘welcome’ moment from Gavin Henson. But then, neither has Charlotte Church. “Do I really have to go back on?” pleaded Rhys G as he was directed back into the fray.
Port were back on the attack and it took more courageous tackles from Josh C, Ben S and Peter B and with Christy C and his new back row lieutenants, Julian M-O and Isaac N, creating mayhem at the breakdown by adopting a blanket ‘tackle everything that breathes’ approach, regardless of which team they play for and whether they’ve got the ball or not. This ‘scorched earth’ approach is certainly the way forward for these three and for the last five minutes of the game the home side were in a dog-fight for their very lives and the ball hardly saw daylight from the bottom of a succession of rucks. When at last the ball did emerge, it flopped out forwards and this gave the referee an opportunity to blow his whistle and draw a veil over proceedings.

Final score: Ellesmere Port - 73 Wirral - 0.

Then it was time for hip hip hurraying and the formation of tunnels for running through.
Congratulations to Ellesmere Port for a dominant performance and some great play. Thanks also to our match referee for his fair and consistent approach. Despite the heavy defeat, for Wirral’s Under 14’s, there were signs of improvement and some reasons for optimism. It’s all a bit syncopated, man.

Anyway, No Woman No Cry and it was time for an Exodus to the bar for a beer or two.

Nos da.
Ash.