Anselmians vs Wirral

This weekend was to see the former cabbage patch in Twickenham at last get put to good use as hosts to an NFL American football match- the Giants against the Rams. Leave the Millennium Stadium and Wales as the true home of World rugby. After two heavy defeats, Coach Lone Ranger Seddon and sidekick Tonto Chandler hatched one of their cunning plans to switch sports and play American football and, just to complete the deception, they weren’t going to tell the opposition or the match referee. Today we would see the Wasps play at the Saints in this AFC North West game- both teams were a couple of Wild Card certainties for next year’s Super Bowl.
And so it came to pass that supporters for both teams turned up in their thousands for this clash of the titans in leafy Eastham Village. The roads around the Malone Field were soon log-jammed with traffic as people sought parking before the game. The sun was beating down and everybody’s Vitamin D levels were sure to receive a boost. A cold breeze from the East was to remind everybody that we were only eight weeks away from Christmas.
Both sets of players assembled and while the home team had a goal-kicking competition to decide on today’s goal kicker, on a nearby part of the pitch, Lone Ranger Seddon and Tonto Chandler went through the rules of American football and the mis-spelling of ‘offense’ and ‘defense’ and explained about first downs and lines of scrimmage. “Where’s Tin Legs the Wonder Horse?” asked the players, somewhat confused.
Meanwhile, on the touchline, Wirral Wasps ladies were up in arms about being cheerleaders and having to put on miniskirts and waft their pompoms about in the cold breeze. ”We’ll catch our death” protested Hannah the Boss vociferously “and we’ll wet ourselves with all those high leg kicks.” “There’s nothing wrong with my bladder” assured Mrs Stothard, crossing her fingers.
This weekend, Wirral’s own Corbynista, Mr Cottier, had decided to go fishing. Mrs Cottier assured the supporters nearby that he’d caught a ‘whopper’ to bring home and serve up for tea. ‘Check his pockets for Tesco receipts’ was the advice.
Saints coach Mrs Lucy H welcomed the visiting team and coaches to Malone Field and reminded the author of these ramblings that it didn’t matter what drivel he wrote but “get your facts straight!” Coach Lone Ranger Seddon drew up his team selection. In the forwards, front row boys Josh C, Ben S and Isaac S would be our Defensive Tackles- the DT’s. Locks Kai-bosh C and Kaleb M-S would play Defensive Ends – the DE’s- and back row forwards Christie C, Cameron MM and Isaac N would be Linebackers-LB’s. In the backs division, Rhys G would play at 9- Tight End, Peter B would play Quarterback with instructions not to throw long passes down the field. Centres Lawrie S and Julian M-O would be Offensive Tackles and wingmen Ollie P and Tom P would be our Wide Receivers. Subs Miles H and Christian H would be sure to play a big part as part of our Special Teams.
Both teams had suffered from the summer poaching of players so that Saints only had 14 and the Wasps had 16. Today we would play 14 a side and there’d be no fullbacks – FB’s. To complete the deception Wirral Wasps would play without the helmets and all the other body armour that American footballers wear. It was agreed that we would have two halves of 30 minutes.
Captain Josh C was summoned to meet the referee and the Saints’ captain and a coin was tossed. Saints extended the welcome and allowed Josh C to win the toss. As the teams lined up for the start of the match, the noise from the crowd rose to crescendo. Wirral’s cheerleaders went through their routine. “2, 4, 6, 8, who do we appreciate… Wirral Wasps!” they sang. The first round of high kicks was soon abandoned after the ladies suffered two pulled hamstrings and a torn gusset.
A blast on the referee’s whistle and Peter B launched a punt into the Saints’ backfield. The chase was good and there was some great tackling to slow the Saints’ offensive line. Sadly the ball got to their wide receiver who set off down the left wing like a gazelle with piles, hurdling Josh C’s despairing attempt at a tap tackle, to score under the posts from 60 yards out. Conversion good.
The restart from Peter B was good and the chase was even better and Tom P caught the ball and secured a first down. Wirral went through phase after phase of offensive play and Saints found themselves completely nonplussed as the visitors kept hold of the ball and the home side were having to tackle like never before to keep Seddon’s Marauders at bay. A Wirral attack was thwarted as the ball carrier was driven into touch. Wirral soon secured the ball, though, and attacked again but a knock on saw a scrum to Saints. Again, the ball was reclaimed at a ruck and Isaac N went on a weaving 30 yard run, sideways. Linebackers Christy C, Cameron MM and Isaac N were creating mayhem at the breakdown and tackling players of both teams regardless of whether they had the ball or not. Amid this carnage, Saints did get their hands on the ball but great tackling from Josh C, Isaac S, Lawrie S and Caleb M-S made sure that play was kept in the Saints’ half.
But the inevitable soon happened and the break-out came as a Saints flier flew off down the right wing, faster than a toupee in a wind tunnel, side-stepping tackles from left and right to score from 70 yards out. Conversion good.
Stunned suicidal silence among the visiting supporters. Mrs Seddon stood forlornly among the now silent cheerleaders, her pompoms hanging motionless by her knees. How could this happen?
Wirral’s restart was good but so was the catch and Saints set off down the left wing. More good tackling from Ollie P and Josh C saw the attack driven into touch on half way. From the line-out, Wirral got their rolling maul going and Rhys G, who was playing a blinder at No 9, was able to offload to Peter B who fed the ball to a charging Kai-bosh C. He barged 30 yards up the field and when he was stopped he was able to offload to the supporting Lawrie S. Lawrie S continued the charge, like a bull elephant, with defenders hanging off him in festoons to make the score. Touchdown Wirral!!!!!!
Pandemonium broke out on the touchline and windows were having to be closed within a two mile radius of the ground. Sadly, Julian’s kick at the posts went nearer the corner flag.
Suddenly, Wirral were energised and everybody wanted the ball. The re-start failed to make ten meters and sailed into touch. That wind was stronger than it looked. The line-out was claimed and Peter P and Tom P linked well and Wirral passed the ball around and advanced up the field. The ball was given to Kai C who finished off the move. Touchdown Wirral!!!!!!!!
More pandemonium among the visiting supporters and cheerleaders. This time Julian M-O’s kick sailed between the uprights, Leigh Halfpenny-like, for the extra two. More closing of windows.
Wirral were on fire at this point and the re-start was gathered and Lawrie S and Peter B exchanged passes and fed Rhys G who burst through several gain-lines in one go to charge up the field like a human windmill, leaving a trail of destruction and broken body parts behind him. Carnage, utter carnage. When Saints did get the ball, it was only for a short period and excellent work by Isaac S and a man-possessed Ben S, saw to it that attacker and ball were dumped into touch. The secured lineout gave Wirral the opportunity to get their rolling maul (more like a giant threshing machine) going again and it rumbled towards the home team’s line. As things broke down, Josh C grabbed the ball and trundled over for another score. Touchdown Wirral!!!!! Conversion narrowly missed.
From the re-start, Wirral were soon on the attack again, and Josh C gained 30 yards before off-loading to a supporting Rhys G who gained more yards before being hauled down. The attack continued and with the try line within touching distance a Saints knock-on stopped the pass getting to the waiting Tom P and Julian M-O.
At this point, our match referee blew his whistle for half time.

Half time score: Anselmians - 14. Wirral - 17.

Wirral had dominated territory throughout the half and Saints had only been in the Wirral half twice and had scored two tries. After three scores by Wirral, the atmosphere among the visiting supporters was like Mardi Gras and 4th of July all rolled into one. By now the Wirral cheerleaders were wafting their pompoms all over the place and, with hamstrings and gussets forgotten, their high kicks were proving a hazard to low-flying aircraft.
For the second half, Miles H would come on for an exhausted Rhys G and an equally exhausted Isaac S would get a rest with Cameron MM moving to the front row and Christian H coming on as a linebacker. Coaches Lone Ranger Seddon and Tonto Chandler were delighted that their cunning plan of playing American football in a rugby match was paying off, but would it last??????
The referee, who had spent half time on an oxygen cylinder, called the teams to order and Saints prepared to kick off the second half. A blast on his whistle got play underway and Wirral claimed the ball. There was some great play between Lawrie S and Ben S but unfortunately Saints had their own destroyers at the breakdown and amid the chaos, the ball was stolen and shipped to one of their pacemen who set off down the left wing like an electrocuted cat to score under the posts. The visiting supporters were silenced in a blink of an eye. The conversion was good.
The restart went deep into the backfield and forced the knock-on- actually, it was the sight of a charging Caleb M-S that forced the knock-on as the receiver chose to live rather than be killed in the tackle if he held on to it. Scrum to Wirral. The visitors secured the ball and Miles H passed the ball infield and two phases later Kai-bosh bundled the ball over the line, with defenders hanging off his every limb. Touchdown Wirral!!!!!!! The conversion was good.
It was Mardi Gras all over again as pandemonium erupted among the visiting supporters. More windows were closed and the Noise Abatement Society website crashed at this point. Now Saints’ coach, Mrs Lucy H, is no mug and she knows a thing or two about rugby. If there was a desert nearby, she’d be known as the Desert Fox. But, being a master tactician, she had quickly realised that Wirral’s gallant Under 14’s would be good for 40 minutes play and then they’d run out of gas. Don’t forget, Wirral often only get the ball at restarts and all this possession had tired them out. As the second half progressed, scrum-half Harry H was starting to dictate play more and direct his troops to where defensive gaps were appearing. Corbin the Crusher and Jumping Jack Flash were creating mayhem and their big centre was seeing more and more of the ball.
A penalty against Wirral was kicked to the corner and from the resulting lineout the defence was breached for a try in the corner. Conversion missed. Silence among the visiting supporters.
Despite a good restart, the ball was soon lost and, despite a brave Ollie P tackle, the home flyer said ‘thank you and goodnight’ as he raced for the line with Isaac N hanging from his neck to touch down under the sticks. Conversion surprisingly missed. Deathly silence among the visiting supporters and windows start being opened as peace and tranquillity was restored.
The next passage of play saw Wirral push towards the Saints’ 22, but the ball was stolen at a ruck and before you could say ‘Corbyn for Prime Minister’ a Saints player was hurtling down the right wing like a greyhound on speed to score under the posts. Conversion was good. More silence among the visitors and pompoms and miniskirts start getting tossed into a nearby skip.
Rhys G and Isaac S got told to put their boots back on and they found themselves sent back on to steady the ship. Both got on the field of play in time to see a Saints player fly down the left wing like a roadrunner –‘bee-beep!’ – to score again under the posts. Conversion good.
“Deep breaths” said Mrs Stothard, though nobody was sure whether she was addressing the players or the supporters. “When’s the final whistle?” asked a deflated Mrs Myers-Shone, resplendent in her floppy cap. “Two minutes” replied the referee, obligingly. Upon hearing this, Saints launched another attack and Peter B’s tackle on the big centre delayed the try by about half a second. The conversion was good.
Soon after, our referee was good to his word and he blew his whistle to put the visitors out of their misery. Then it was time for the traditional shaking of hands and hip hip hurrays and the creation of tunnels to run through. Well done to Saints and well played. Thanks also to our match referee.

Final score: Anselmians - 52 Wirral - 24.

Despite leading by three points going into the last 20 minutes, we’d then conceded 31 points without reply. As the sun beat down, it was time to retreat to the clubhouse and sample the fine selection of ales before they knock it down. The plans for the new clubhouse look good.
Over beers, everyone was pleased by the Wasps’ commitment and performance, which at times were excellent, but the players’ fitness levels had been cruelly exposed. From now on, we were going to play no more than fifteen minutes each way. Lone Ranger Seddon was quick to nominate Tonto Chandler to make contact with Sir Bradley Wiggins and ask about all those TUE’s.
Wirral's man of the match today was Josh C for his endless running and courageous tackling.

Next week we’re at Paton Field and a match with the Dallas Cowboys- well, Caldy.

And we’re playing Aussie rules!

Nos da!

Ash.