Caldy vs Wirral

‘Twas the day before Halloween, All Hallow’s Eve Eve, so to speak, and the supporters of Caldy and Wirral turned up in their droves to Caldy’s Paton Field for this highly anticipated feast of rugby. For everybody involved with Wirral’s under 14’s, this was to turn into the worst of Halloween horror stories and will rank right up there with The Shining, The Exorcist, A Nightmare on Elm Street and the Texas Hacksaw Massacre.
It was intended that these ramblings would have an Australian theme as Wirral’s coaches Seddon and Chandler came up with another cunning plan to bamboozle the opposition by switching to Aussie Rules football. This way we could legitimately field 18 players and the coaches felt sure the match referee wouldn’t spot the miss-match in numbers. Sadly, the whole scheme fell apart when only 14 players turned up. Caldy kindly agreed to lend us one but there was no way we were going to get four!
What was to unfold was to prove to be the most horrific of all horror shows and, let’s face it, we’ve had a few of these already this season. Readers of a sensitive disposition might wish to stop reading at this point. Coaches Beelzebub Seddon and Nosferatu Chandler put the players through their pre-match warm up drills of running, hopping and skipping and finalised their team selection. That bit was easy. The hardest decision was whether to use our on-loan Caldy player as a winger or a full-back.
Wirral would line up with a front three of Josh C, Ben S and Isaac S, locks Kai C and Caleb M-S and the back row forwards would be Christy C, Cameron M-M and Isaac N. Rhys G would play 9 and Peter B at 10. Lawrie S and Evan R would play centres with Tom P and Christian H on the wings with our on-loan player at full-back.
Although cloudy, it was surprisingly mild for late October and there wasn’t a hint of a breeze so conditions could be described as pretty well perfect for rugby. On the touchline, conversation was dominated by Brexit and Strictly Come Dancing and meeting up with old friends Mrs Colquitt and Mr Winstanley. It was Mr Winstanley who was kindly going to referee our match and he nominated Mr Nisbett, as he was the most athletic-looking of anyone among the Wirral parents and coaches, to run up and down one touchline with a flag to be waved at appropriate moments. A Caldy coach was given another flag and was told to do likewise on the other touchline.
Shortly before 11am, Mr Winstanley blew his whistle and Caldy kicked off and we were underway. At least Wirral didn’t concede straight from the kick-off. Wirral claimed the ball and were driven into touch before anyone could blink. From the line out, Caldy progress down the wing was disrupted by some great tackling by Josh C and Caleb M-S. A speculative kick through by the home side was seemingly dealt with by Tom P who cleared up-field from behind the try line, only for it to be expertly caught by our on-loan full-back, who forgot who he was playing for and who was 30 yards off-side. Penalty to Caldy and, from 5 metres out, they ran through for an easy try. The conversion was missed.
From the restart, Caldy quickly gained a line-out but fearsome tackling by Peter B and Lawrie S forced a knock-on. However, the visitors were driven backwards and the ball soon appeared at the Caldy scrum half’s feet and Wirral’s forwards looked like they were half asleep after a late night on the Xbox. Mrs Myers-Shone was sure they all needed a pie to rejuvenate them. Just the mere mention of food was enough and Evan R and our on-loan player set off up the left wing like whirling dervishes and it took a desperate last man tackle to prevent the try.
More good play continued and Christy C, ably assisted by his lieutenants Isaac N and Cameron MM were creating all kinds of mayhem at the breakdown, tackling everything that moved above grass level, regardless of which side they were on and whether they had the ball or not. As play ebbed back and forth and across the pitch, out of a maul on halfway, a Caldy flier, emerged like a bat out of hell to hurtle towards the try line. “Pounce on him, someone!” shouted Mrs Myers-Shone, in desperation, but no one got close and George W was able to score against his old club. The conversion was good.
The Wirral restart was good and Wirral claimed the ball and great play by Evan R, Lawrie S and Cameron MM which, had Eddie Jones been watching, would surely have got them all a late call up for the up and coming Autumn Series. Sadly he wasn’t so it’s training at Wirral for them next week-end. This good play was to secure a penalty which was booted into touch gaining a good 30 yards. The uncontested line-out was secured and the Wirral attack was driven into touch. From the line-out, Caldy got their rolling maul going and from the back they broke off to run in another try from distance. The conversion was missed.
A feeling of doom and depression was starting to percolate through the visiting supporters faster than a cholera epidemic through an earthquake zone. Hannah the Boss told Mr Cottier that he was banned from the next year’s tour because he was being far too negative. A kick down field by Caldy was collected by the impressive Christian H and he kicked it back with interest but it was collected and Caldy ran through the Wirral defence like a knife through butter and left Peter B and Rhys G clutching desperately at thin air. Another try scored and the conversion was good.
The restart was good and forced a knock-on but Wirral were pushed off their own scrum far too easily and the ball was cleared down field. Wirral picked up and went on the attack and Lawrie S and Peter B and Cameron MM did well before passing to our on-loan player who charged up the left wing like a raging bull before being man-handled into touch. Soon after Wirral were able to drive a Caldy attack into touch and from the line-out Peter B launched kick high into the upper stratosphere where it bounced off a piece of space debris and plummeted back to earth to be caught by a charging Christian H. After a few more rucks and mauls where possession changed hands Caldy found themselves with the ball at the back of one of their rolling mauls and after gaining 20-30 yards it was a simple job for the ball-carrier to peel off the back and run in another score. Conversion was scored.
Wirral were soon on the attack and a marauding Kai C charged up the field after being fed the ball by Isaac S who stole it at a ruck. We then lost the ball at another ruck and Ben S forced a knock-on and Wirral had themselves a scrum. Sadly, this went the way of every other scrum and Wirral found themselves travelling in reverse at an ever increasing rate of knots. Despite a signature Josh C kamikaze tackle, Caldy were able to break out and score another try. Conversion was good.
By now, Mr Winstanley was exhausted and in need of an oxygen cylinder so, with almost his last breath, he blew his whistle to bring the first half to a close.

Half time score: Caldy - 38 Wirral - 0.

While Wirral trudged off for one of Coach Beelzebub Seddon’s ‘Ich bin ein bin liner’ half time speeches, Caldy left the field to a lambasting from their coaches for letting Wirral steal the ball at five rucks. Oh lament. While the players took a drink, Mrs Myers-Shone offered to make Oscar the dog a shirt in the team’s colours so we would have ourselves a mascot.
After being resuscitated on the touchline, our referee, Mr Winstanley was rejuvenated and ready to go with the second half. GPS analysis had shown that his daughter, Sophie, had run the most miles this morning in her role as kicking-tee monitor.
With a blast on Mr Winstanley’s whistle Peter B got the second half underway. Wirral were soon on the attack and there was some good bits of play from Rhys G and Lawrie S was soon ploughing through the home defence but he got isolated and the ball was lost and we had the bizarre sight of a Caldy player striding purposefully with the ball in his hands and Christy C riding piggy-back. An inside pass and Caldy were able to break away and score another try. Conversion was good.
Despite a good re-start Caldy were able to steal the ball and a brave Christian H tackle only delayed the inevitable and the home side scored again. Conversion was missed.
Caldy were soon on the attack, again, but their drive up the pitch got pushed into touch by a determined Caleb M-S and Ben S. Caldy charged through the line-out and tackled several players only one of which had the ball. Penalty to Wirral. Wirral’s plan to run the ball were soon de-railed as, moments later, the ball was lost. Caldy were on the attack and only a desperate tackle from Josh C saved a certain try.
Wirral were soon awarded another penalty and, in an effort to get the game abandoned, Peter B kicked the penalty over the hedge into an adjacent field. Sadly, a replacement ball was found and Wirral had to carry on with the line-out. Soon after, Wirral forced a knock-on but the scrum was lost. Despite a Cameron MM tackle the home team set off and three passes later, they crossed the whitewash in the corner for another try. Conversion from a tight angle was missed.
The groans among the visiting supporters hadn’t subsided before Caldy had re-claimed the ball and set off down the pitch dodging four or five would-be tacklers to score between the posts. The conversion was scored.
Pressure from the visitors soon led to a scrum and, shock horrors, Wirral retained the ball after their put-in. Lawrie S got the pass and he set off up the field gaining 20 yards before being tackled. But he was able to off-load to a charging Kai-bosh C who gained another 10 yards before the ball was stolen. Then a Caldy player runs the ball back 40 yards before he is halted by a Josh C tackle. They retained the ball and pass it left and in the end Wirral just ran out of defenders and another score was registered. The conversion was good.
More tragedy was to follow when the re-start kick was caught and run straight back for a try without a Wirral player getting near to the player. The conversion was good.
By now, Wirral’s spirits were pretty low and heads had long-since dropped. Peter B tried to stop the scoring by kicking the re-start back 10 meters, so we had a scrum at half way. Caldy won it and kicked up the field. Wirral claimed the ball but at the resulting maul, the ball was stolen and former Wirral player, James C came back to haunt us, and he broke away to score another try. It was converted successfully.
By now, Wirral’s coaches and supporters were looking for a speeding freight train to throw themselves in front of. Sadly, Dr Beeching shut down the nearby railway so there was no way out. Soon after, Mr Winstanley decided he had seen enough and so he signalled the end of this sorry tale by blowing his whistle.

Final score: Caldy - 83 Wirral 0.

Then it was time for shaking hands and hip, hip hurraying and the making of tunnels to run through. Well done Caldy and well played. Thanks also to our match referee, Mr Winstanley, for his consistent and even-handed referee-ing of the game.
Not much to add, really. At least it wasn’t raining.

Nos da.
Ash.