Ashton upon Mersey vs Wirral

Cometh November, cometh the Cheshire Cup and this year we were drawn against Ashton upon Mersey. For those of you not in the know, Ashton upon Mersey is actually only about 8 miles from Manchester but it is on the south bank of the River Mersey, not far from Sale. According to the 2011 Census, 9,693 folk choose to live there. Nearby, is the hamlet of Voltage Park, so there were bound to be a few ‘live wires’ in the Ashton side.
And so it came to pass, on Sunday 20th November, the great and the good of Wirral set out in their droves to travel deep into the bowels of deepest Cheshire in search of Ashton upon Mersey RUFC’s Banky Lane ground. While satnavs and OS maps were put to good use, Coach Screech Seddon merely stuck a finger in the air and followed where the wind was going. With Ollie P and Peter B lying in their sickbeds and Christian H reporting for training at Wirral and wondering why he was warming up on his own, it was always going to be touch and go getting a starting 15 for the game. But, everyone was in good spirits, especially as we were completely unbeaten for three weeks since the massacre at Caldy. The fact we hadn’t played anyone in that time was neither here nor there.
As the players warmed up, Screech Seddon passed his phone to Mrs Seddon with the express instructions that “if a Mr Gatland rings up mentioning a Lions tour, next year, then the answer is ‘yes.’” As kick-off time approached, the drizzle stopped and the sun made a tentative effort to show its face but then it soon gave up the ghost and disappeared behind the nearest cloud.
For today’s match, Wirral would start with a front row of Josh C, Ben S and Isaac S, locks of Kai-bosh C and Caleb M-S and a back row of flankers Christy C and Cameron MM and Isaac N at No8. The half backs would be Rhys G at 9 and Miles H at 10, northern powerhouses Lawrie S and Evan R would play centres and Julian M-O and Tom P would be the flyers on the wing and Christian H would play fullback- when he arrived.
Our match referee came and introduced himself before checking studs and it was discovered that Josh C had left a stud somewhere between the car park and the pitch. While the Wirral folks went off in search of a metal detector to try and locate the missing stud, the referee went off to do his pre-match warm-up routine that looked very much like a one-man Haka.
As the teams lined up, Mr Astle was heard to observe that this was the first time that the opposition didn’t look loads bigger than our lads. Mr Cottier was quick to point out that “they were just a lot further away” than our players. At this point, our referee dispatched Coaches Screech Seddon and Scratchy Chandler to the far side of the pitch where there was a dedicated ‘technical area.’ Under no circumstances could they leave this point. “Thank God for that” said Mrs Seddon, switching off her husband’s phone.
At 11 o’clock, our referee blew his whistle and Ashton upon Mersey kicked off and we were underway. At this very moment, Wirral’s full-back, Christian H was still on the M53, so Ashton’s 15 started the game against Wirral’s 14. Wirral caught the kick-off well and strung two passes together, the second of which was forward, so we had our first scrum. Wirral’s scrum was splintered and Ashton’s scrum-half ran between the visitors’ 9 and 10 and then the space where a full-back might have been to score an easy try. The conversion was good.
On the far side of the pitch, Screech and Scratchy could be seen, but not heard, jumping up and down like a pair of dancing marionettes. “It’s like watching Jurgan Klopp and Antonio Conte all over again” observed Mr Astle, sagely. “More like Abbot and Costello” corrected Mr Cottier, not for the first time.
The re-start was good and panic set in among the home players at the sight of a charging Kai C, Caleb M-S and Isaac S and it was their turn to be pinged for a forward pass as they jettisoned the ball in an attempt not to be killed if caught in possession. It didn’t matter too much as they gathered the ball in the scrum and set off down the right wing to score in the corner. Conversion missed.
The restart was gathered by Ashton and they set off down the pitch breaking the gain line as they went through the phases. But with Christy C and his lieutenants Cameron MM and Isaac N creating carnage at the breakdown, tackling everything above grass level, regardless of which team they played for or whether they had the ball or not, panic once again set in among the home players and another forward pass gave Wirral a scrum. As Rhys G fed the Ashton side of the scrum (see how generous we are on Wirral) the home side’s pack attempted to shove the visitors off the pitch and into the Mersey. And, but for the referee, they would have succeeded. Penalty to Wirral. Touch was missed and Ashton were soon hurtling towards the visitors’ try line. The attack was held up on the 5 metre line and a knock-on gave Wirral another scrum which, again, was lost far too easily. The home side won the scrum and it was an easy score in the end, right under the sticks. Surprisingly, conversion, missed.
The restart soon resulted in a scrum to Ashton which was won with ease but the scrum half was flattened by Lawrie S who then quickly flattened their fly half too when he picked up the ball. But Ashton held on to the ball and were soon flying down the middle of the pitch leaving a trail of carnage in their wake. Rhys G decided that he wasn’t yet ready to die in attempting a tackle, so he just stuck a foot out and tripped the ball-carrier up. While most people might consider this the most sensible way to bring down a charging buffalo of a player, the referee did not consider this to be in accordance with the laws or the spirit of the game. Therefore, Ashton were awarded a penalty and Rhys was given a warning and threatened with the bin. While the visitors contemplated the relative merits and safety of a spell in the bin, Ashton took the penalty and ran through to score another try which they duly converted.
On the far touchline, safely secured in their technical area, Coaches Screech Seddon and Scratchy Chandler were jumping up and down like a silent Punch and Judy show. On the other side of the pitch, Hannah the Boss staggered about wishing her head didn’t hurt so much after another late night. Through a pair of red eyes, she could barely see Kai C lead an attack to the home side’s 5 metre line but, after a couple of phases, Ashton stole the ball and one of their ‘live wires’ from Voltage Park set off down the pitch faster than a cat with its tail struck by lightning, leaving Julian M-O, Ben S and Miles H in hot pursuit but he was not for catching. The resulting try was converted.
The restart was safely gathered by the home team and they were soon on the attack again. They got down to the Wirral five metre line but such was the quality of Wirral’s counter-rucking that the ball was stolen and Miles H was able to lump the ball out of the 22 from behind his own try line. Ashton gathered the ball but the charge for the line was halted by a Caleb M-S tackle that nearly resulted in the game’s first beheading. From the resulting penalty, Ashton knocked-on and our match referee decided he needed a hot drink and a garibaldi and blew his whistle for half time.

Half time score: Ashton upon Mersey - 30 Wirral - 0.

As the players took a drink and discussed I’m a Celebrity and Strictly Come Dancing, the coaches were left to wonder how we might turn things around in the second half. Hannah the Boss went round offering a Tenner a Try again, very aware that when she’d offered £50 a try, Joe Wood had cleaned her out with a brace. At this point, Christian H joined the party and the referee was quick to check his studs and warn him against tripping and high tackles. At least the second half would be played 15 against 15.
As the teams lined up for the second half, Screech and Scratchy were sent back to their technical area and told to stay there. Mrs Seddon informed her husband that a Mr Gatland hadn’t phoned. A blast on the referee’s whistle and Julian M-O launched the ball high into the atmosphere and then one bounce into touch. From the scrum on halfway, Ashton were back on the attack and a 50 yard carry down the pitch was stopped by a signature Josh C kamikaze tackle somewhere down by the ankles.
For the first fifteen minutes play ebbed back and forth and cross the pitch as Wirral at last matched the hosts for territory and possession. A lineout resulted in a scrum to Ashton which became a rolling maul which resulted in a penalty to Wirral for a side entry. From the penalty, Rhys G passed to a charging Kai-bosh C who smashed though the defensive line in an eighty yard advance that left a trail of body parts splattered all over the pitch like the Charge of the Light Brigade one hour later. Unfortunately, as the 5 meter line was reached, Kai-bosh C failed to hear the call from the supporting Evan R on his shoulder and he was hauled to the ground. Even worse, Kai-bosh C injured his wrist and was carried off to applause from all round the pitch to play no further part in proceedings. Now we were back to 15 against 14 again. Mr Myers-Shone, who was attending in place of his wife who was busy sorting her car insurance, was quick to point out that with equal numbers, we were a good match for the opposition- quite right sir.
Ashton advanced up the pitch and then burst through to run in a try from 60 yards and score in the left corner. “Merde!” said Monsieur Modet at this sad turn of events. The conversion bounced out off the near upright- good effort, though.
The restart by Julian M-O was good and was safely gathered by the home side, whose tails were now well and truly up, and they ran in another try between the posts. Conversion good. At this point, Hannah the Boss started talking about a ‘performance enhancing’ malt drink that the Germans used to have before hockey matches. She wasn’t quite sure what was in it but ‘it certainly made you run faster.’ “But the Germans lost two World Wars and a World Cup Final, so it can’t have been that good” added Mr Cottier.
Wirral’s heads didn’t drop and their persistence at a ruck led to a penalty as a home player played the ball while sat on his bottom. The penalty failed to make much ground and an Ashton ‘live wire’ was able to steal the ball and run most of the width of the pitch, successfully dodging eight wannabe tacklers, before straightening to cross the whitewash and touch the ball down for another score. This time the conversion hit the upright and went in for the extra two.
Julian M-O’s restart was a superbly spinning grubber kick that drew the knock-on deep in the Ashton half. Sadly the scrum was lost and Ashton set off down the field. In a ‘hit’ that would have seen two lesser men killed outright, both Lawrie S and the ball-carrier got up and dusted themselves down and played on. Evan R gathered the ball and ran three widths of the pitch sideways, where if he’d run forwards he could have scored a try at the far end of the next pitch. As it was he was able to offload to the ever-willing Tom P who was bulldozed into touch by a posse of defenders. In this 10 minute section of play Wirral’s 14 and Ashton’s 15 were pretty even but then Ashton went and spoiled things by changing tactics and kicking the ball into the space where a full-back should have been. The chase was good and an Ashton player was able to gather the ball and score under the posts- best try of the day, I’d say. The conversion was good. “Sacre bleu, merde et vol au vents!” exclaimed Monsieur Modet, bringing some Gallic charm to the proceedings.
From the restart Wirral were soon on the attack with Isaac N leading the charge, eagerly assisted by Tom P and Christian H. On the far side of the pitch Screech and Scratchy were stood silent and motionless and doing their best impersonation of the Glums. Mr Nisbet took it upon himself to go and cheer them up but was immediately sent back by the match officials.
At this point Ashton had stolen the ball and Even R saw to it that the ball-carrier was ushered into touch. This gave the referee the opportunity to give a blast on his whistle and bring proceedings to an end.

Final score: Ashton upon Mersey - 56 Wirral - 0.

As is traditional, now was the time for shaking hands and hip hip hurraying and the formation of tunnels to run through. Congratulations and well done to Ashton upon Mersey and good luck in the next round. Thanks to our match referee for his fair and consistent handling of the game.
Despite the heavy defeat, there were some positives to be taken from this game. When it was 15 against 15, Ashton didn’t score and Wirral looked a good match for them. Also, this year, Wirral equalled their best ever run in the Cheshire Cup – we’re consistent and have always lost in the first round. Next round will be the bowl or the vase or the ashtray.
Then, it was time to make for the clubhouse and sample some of the fine selection of ales on offer there.
Nos da!
Ash.