Hoylake vs Wirral.

T’is the season to be merry…… yes, December is upon us once again and it is time for eating and drinking to excess and hanging your baubles on a tree and lighting up your bushes with fancy lights as everybody attempts to outdo their neighbours. This is the season of goodwill but now with a competitive edge! Personally, I blame Donald Trump.
And what could be better to begin this Festive Period than with a trip to our good friends at Hoylake RUFC? Wirral’s families and supporters set off in their thousands and many were surprised to see 500+ lady Santas emerging from West Kirby Concourse – well, all sorts of funny things happen there. As the multitudes descended upon Hoylake’s Carham Lane ground, Mr Hoylake himself- Mr Jack Kurton- was hauled out of the club’s new executive lounge to sort out the car parking that was in meltdown with traffic backing up across the railway line and Merseyrail was log-jammed with four trains of Christmas shoppers stuck in West Kirby.
Two people who take this ‘season to be Merry’ thing to the extreme are Wirral’s Coaches Santa Seddon and Rudolph Chandler. While Santa Seddon starts ‘celebrating’ Christmas in August, Rudulph Chandler regularly spends New Year in rehab in the Lake District. More Saturnalia than Christmas, methinks. Coach ‘Tin-legs’ Ivory took his brother ‘Copper-bottom’ along to watch and it didn’t take Messrs Cottier and Astle five minutes to work out that there was a profit to be made from their scrap value.
With Cameron MM up in Scotland preparing for Hogmanay and Lawrie S lying crippled at home with his leg in plaster (get well soon, Lawrie) Wirral’s under 14’s were down to their bare bones. Coach Santa Seddon had no problems with team selection as anyone who turned up would be playing. Wirral would start with a front row of Josh C, Ben S and Isaac S. The second row would be Kai-bosh C and Caleb M-S with flankers Christian H and Christy C and Isaac S would be No8. The half-backs would be Rhys G at 9 and Peter B at 10. Julian N-O and Evan R would play centres with Miles H and Tom P on the wings and Ollie P would be full-back.
As the players warmed up, conversation on the touchline was dominated by talk of how many Liverpool were going to score at Bournemouth later that afternoon. Three goals seemed to be the consensus but nobody thought to ask how many they might concede. Mr Nisbet took along Mr Fox, who is actually a dog but who looks more like a wolf.
The sky was clear and the sun was making a pitiful effort to warm everyone up- sun’s school report: could do better. Despite the absence of any frost on the ground it felt bitterly cold and Mr Cottier expressed the view that it was far too cold to be putting his baubles on the tree.
Captain Josh C was summoned to meet Hoylake’s captain by the referee, who was as eager as anyone to get the game going as quickly as possible. A coin was tossed and Josh C politely allowed Hoylake to win this. Well, it is the season of goodwill and all that……
The noise from the capacity crowd rose to a crescendo as the teams lined up and the home team prepared to kick off. A blast from the referee’s whistle and we were underway. The first five minutes saw play ebb and flow back and forth up and down and across the pitch as both teams enjoyed several phases of possession before handing the ball to the other side so they could have a go. A scrum to Hoylake was won and taken into contact where Wirral stole the ball and Evan R set off down the right wing like a buffalo with its tail on fire, only to be bravely tackled. At the ten minute mark we were still scoreless which makes a change as we’re usually three scores down by this stage. Great tackling by Caleb M-S and Josh C stalled the next attack and great counter-rucking by Christy C and Christian H, who were creating mayhem at the breakdown, saw the ball stolen and off set Isaac N in a one man cavalry charge.
At this point I lost track of events as I was back doing the day job and attending to an injured Hoylake player on the touchline- their second of the morning. Fortunately nothing broken, but in this time, apparently Hoylake scored. Hannah the Boss reliably informed me that the Hoylake No 8 had ‘strolled’ (her word, not mine- I would have used ‘danced gazelle-like’) between two defenders to score under the posts. Conversion missed.
The restart was claimed by Wirral but then lost by Wirral but a crunching tackle from Julian N-O, which had his watching mother briefly stop shivering on the touchline to flinch – quel horreur – helped Wirral to reclaim it. Kai-bosh C set off down the field in a fashion best described as ‘agricultural’- like a human threshing machine. Hand-offs here, body parts there, carnage everywhere as Wirral’s answer to Giant Haystacks cut a thirty yard swathe through the home defence. Fortunately, no one was killed in this passage of play. Wirral took the play on a few more phases after he was hauled to the floor but Hoylake stole the ball and produced some classy play of their own to switch play to where one of their speedsters set off like an express train down the left wing. But, hurtling across the pitch, also like an express train, was a charging Evan R who was homing in on his target like an Exocet missile. Had they actually made contact, and it looked a dead cert that they would, and the tackle made then the consequences would have been quite horrendous and without a doubt, the Hoylake Lifeboat would have had to be launched to retrieve their remains and what was left of the ball from the Irish Sea. Or possibly the Fleetwood boat would have been nearer. In the interests of humanity, Evan R failed to make contact with the ball-carrier who was able to continue his run and score between the posts. Evan R was dug out of a grassy bank on the far side of the pitch. “Take it on the chin” called Mr Astle, encouragingly, which is exactly where he had taken it, when he hit the bank. The conversion was good.
Wirral’s restart failed to go 10 metres, so we had ourselves a scrum on halfway which Hoylake claimed and their advance was stopped by a couple of crunching Ollie P tackles. Ollie P was playing a blinder at full-back. Hoylake were soon on the attack again and Evan R literally bounced off the ball-carrier who was on his way through the visitor’s defence to score. The conversion was missed.
Soon after the restart, Hoylake attacked again and as another score looked a certainty, Josh C performed one of his trademark try-saving tackles and in the next phase, Ollie P flattened the ball-carrier and we had a line-out. How Wirral managed to lose an un-contested line-out was the subject of much debate on the touchline, but they soon regained possession and Tom P set off down the field before off-loading to Evan R who was hauled down ten metres out but he offloaded the ball to a supporting Josh C who was tackled within a couple of yards of the try line. As Hoylake cleared their lines, Evan R lay face-down in the pitch. Play was stopped and for me it was back to the day job.
With Evan R removed to the touchline, play continued with Wirral down to 14 and Hannah the Boss was able to inform me that a Hoylake player ran through the defence and simple tackles were missed to score a try. Her words, not mine- I would have said: “weaved majestically, Shane Williams like, through the defence.” The conversion was missed.
At this point our referee, who was looking in desperate need of a cup of cocoa and a jammy dodger, as well as a lie down and a spell on an oxygen cylinder, blew his whistle for half time.

Half time score: Hoylake - 22 Wirral - 0.

As the players gathered for one of Santa Seddon’s tub-thumping half-time team talks, Evan R returned from the dead to announce that he was fit to go in the second half. “Who’s Lazarus?” asked Rhys G, when the comparison was made.
After a period of rest from all the excitement for the parents and supporters, our referee called the teams back on to the pitch for the second half. With Peter B the reluctant 10, relieved of kicking duties, it was Julian N-O who got us underway in the second half.
Play ebbed back and forth and up and down and across the pitch as possession passed from one team to the other. Hoylake were penalised when Julian N-O was tackled without the ball and soon after were awarded a scrum when Wirral knocked-on. A Hoylake attack faltered after another Ollie P tackle, who was staking his claim for a place on the 2017 Lions Tour. Peter B collected the ball and charged over the gain line making 20 yards before he was brought down but play was taken on by Kai C and then on to a marauding Josh C who made further advances before off-loading to Isaac N who ran round the last defender before straightening and running in a try for Wirral by the right corner flag.
For Wirral’s supporters, it was like Mardi gras, the 4th of July and all their Christmases and Saturnalias had come at once. You see, we can score! The attempted grubber kick for the extras failed to trouble the scorer, any more.
The restart was claimed brilliantly by Caleb M-S and Wirral were back on the attack with Miles H and Rhys G, their tails up, throwing themselves at the home defence and making hard yards into Hoylake territory. It was a desperate Hoylake that lumped the ball downfield to safety when the ball came lose. But their No8 saw an opportunity and chased after the ball and in a quick switch to association football rules, he put boot to ball propelling it goal wards. Two more kicks took the ball over the try line and he was able so splash down on it, nearly bursting it, for the try. Conversion missed.
With Wirral’s players still questioning which game they were now playing and the visiting supporters discussing Hannah the Boss lifting 20Kg weights last week and with Mr Cottier confusing everyone with his talk of fattened Christmas birds and riding top jockeys, Hoylake quickly gathered their own restart kick and their No2 ran in another score. The conversion was good.
The restart soon led to a penalty to Wirral and Caleb M-S charged into Hoylake territory with defenders hanging off him in festoons. Again, Hoylake gathered the ball and again they lumped the ball downfield with their No8 in hot pursuit. However, this time, Julian N-O got there first and gathered the ball and set off back towards the half way line. But Hoylake soon regained the ball and they were able to advance to the visitors’ 5 metre line. It did take them a good few phases to find a gap in the Wirral defence to exploit and register anther score. Conversion was good.
It was the Hoylake players that were protesting to the referee that he was blowing his whistle far too much and the only reason that he was doing this was so that he (the referee) could keep up with the play. Now, I have dabbled in the dark arts of referee-ing and ‘keeping up with the play’ was always a vital but ever-distant ‘oasis’ to me. I never left the area between the two 10 metre lines. I think it is perfectly reasonable for the referee to use the whistle to bring the play back within eye-shot, in the interests of ‘health and safety.’ I’d have yellow carded the kids for giving cheek.
Hoylake gathered the restart and went in search of more points (as if they didn’t have enough) and it was left to more crunching tackles from Ollie P and Ben Seddon to check the advance. However, this selfless heroism and bravery, only delayed things and Hoylake were able to dance through a deflated defence for another score. The conversion was good.
While Wirral’s players discussed Call of Duty and FIFA 17, Hoylake took and claimed the restart and scored another try. Conversion good.
The restart was claimed by Wirral and taken into contact. A marauding Isaac S waded in to clear out a 15 man ruck like a one-man combine harvester and possession was secured. Christy C passed to Miles H who off-loaded to Julian N-O and, with the Hoylake defence in tatters, he burst through and off-loaded to a flying Evan R on the right wing. As Evan R demonstrated his juggling skills with the ball the Hoylake supporters held their breaths, fearful that a Wirral try now would surely open the floodgates. But, with the try line within touching distance, one juggle too many saw the ball tumble to the ground and the chance was gone.
At this point, our match referee, sensitive to the fact that half the assembled parents were showing signs of hypothermia, decided to blow his whistle and bring proceedings to a close.

Final score: Hoylake - 53 Wirral - 5.

There then followed the customary shaking of hands and hip, hip hurrays and formation of tunnels to run through. Well done to Hoylake for a fine win. Well done to Wirral for an improved performance. A big thanks to our referee for his fair and even-handed and consistent referee-ing, that was done with humour- we at Wirral like that. It is only a game, after all. (?).
Once again, Wirral have shown that it is always better to give than receive. T’is the season to be merry…. Tra la la la lah.
Rhys G was going home to study the Gospels to check out this Lazarus chappy.

Have a very Happy Christmas.

Nos da!
Ash.