Caldy vs Wirral - Cheshire Cup.

“We’re going to build a wall along the Mexican border and we’re going to make the Mexicans pay for it”….. so said Presidential wannabe Donald Trump back on the campaign trail last year. Now he’s sat in the Oval Office, that’s exactly what he’s planning to do. As you might expect from these rambling, this may appear on the surface to have absolutely nothing to do with Wirral Under 14’s match at Caldy, but read on and all will become apparent.
There’s nothing quite like the Cheshire Cup to get the proverbial juices flowing and bring the crowds out in their thousands to make the short trek to Caldy’s Paton Field. Except that both teams have already been knocked out of the aforementioned ‘cup’ and now both teams were lining up for the right to play Anselmians in the Cheshire Plate. The losers faced the ignominy of competing for the Ash Tray and with Wirral’s chairman of Mini’s and Junior’s, Coach Seddon, threatening to host the end of season dinner ‘in the altogether’ if the under 14’s failed to reach a final on a Final’s Day that we are hosting, then there was all to play for. No one wants to see that, not even Mrs Seddon.
And so it came to pass that the supporters of Wirral and Caldy turned up in their droves for the headline fixture on this weekend’s sporting calendar. The mood among the visiting supporters was somewhat sombre, with memories of last October’s 83-0 defeat at Caldy still painfully fresh in the mind. This was not helped in any way by Caldy coaches, Ant and Dec, putting their players through an impressive array of back’s moves and forward’s plays that would have frightened even the All Blacks, had they been watching.
With Ollie P and Christy C ill with the lurgy and Lawrie S still lying with his foot up in front of the Xbox, Wirral were a man down before we’d even started. Fortunately, Caldy were kind enough to lend us a player so at least we could start with 15 a side.
For today’s match, Wirral would line up with a front row of Isaac S and Caldy loan-ee Jamie at props with Ben S as hooker. Caleb M-S and Kai-bosh C would be locks and the back row would be flankers Julian N-O and Cameron M-M and captain Josh C would play No8. Rhys G would play 9 and Peter B at 10. The centres would be Evan R and Isaac N and the flyers on the wings would be Tom P and Christian H with Miles H at full back.
While Wirral coaches Screech Seddon and Scratchy Chandler were giving the players last minute instructions, talk on the touchline focused on how we might stop Caldy scoring. Bursting the match ball would just see it replaced with another. Cutting down the posts would only stop conversions and painting over the try line might help limit the tries but the best plan, by far, was Donald Trump’s wall and even if we had to pay for it ourselves. A wall in front of the Wirral try line could be a practice-run before he built his Mexican wall proper. The fly in the ointment was that the wall would have to be transported down the other end for the second half.
The match referee came and introduced himself to the players and then the captains were summoned to the half way line and a coin was tossed. Then, the referee came and surveyed the assembled parents and coaches and, looking for someone that mightn’t collapse and die, he handed a brightly coloured flag to Mr Nisbett and told him to run up and down the touchline and wave it at appropriate moments. On the far touchline he did the same thing to a Caldy parent.
The weather conditions were dry with a slight breeze off the estuary. According to the car, the temperature outside was +2 degrees but, stood by the touchline, it felt more like -20. As kick-off approached, the noise of the crowd rose to a crescendo. Mr Pryce was there in his role as team photographer but he was under instructions only to take pictures of the Caldy vs Chester match on the next pitch.
Wirral had won the toss and after a blast on the referee’s whistle, Julian N-O kicked the ball into enemy territory. Caldy claimed the ball but were soon driven into touch by Wirral. Wirral’s coaches were ecstatic at the excellent start the team had made. Believe me, that is a good start.
Hannah the Boss, who had admitted to mistaking vodka for gin over Christmas patrolled the touchline promoting ‘PMA’ which, apparently, is nothing to do with female cyclical anger but means Positive Mental Attitude. While Wirral supporters were getting themselves enthused with Hannah’s PMA, Caldy burst through the Wirral defence and a home player juggled the ball all the way to the line before touching down for the opening score. Conversion was good. Forget PMA, where’s that damned wall when you need it?
From the restart, there was more good play from Wirral, with great tackling from Josh C and Cameron MM and on-loan Jamie and Wirral were able to steel the ball out of the ruck. Rhys G passed to Peter B who passed to Evan R who fed Isaac N who set off down the right wing like a gazelle with its tail on fire. It took some desperate defence to halt the charge and drive the ball-carrier into touch. From the lineout Caldy set off up the field en masse and a desperate tackle by Miles H only delayed things by a few moments and an isolated Isaac S was swept aside by the black and gold tide like he wasn’t there and Caldy scored under the posts. The conversion was good.
The restart was claimed by Caldy and they were soon on the attack again and were marauding up the field like a black and gold swarm of wasps. Great tackling by the likes of Peter B, Josh C and Tom P broke up the fluidity of the attacks and helped force the knock on. Wirral were holding their own in the scrums and they claimed the ball and a boot was put to ball, launching it high into the clouds and well on the way to Saturn. At this point the referee stopped the clock until the ball reappeared through the clouds with its heatshield glowing. It was a Caldy player who stepped up to the plate and attempted to catch it, but it proved too hot to handle and Wirral had themselves a scrum for the knock-on. From this scrum, the ball was passed to Peter B who tried to repeat the kick but only succeeded in booting it into touch. Not surprisingly, Caldy won the uncontested line-out and set off down the left wing where Isaac S and Miles H appeared to have muscled the attacker into touch. However, the referee, who was much better placed to see the action, put his arm in the air and signalled a try in the corner. The conversion was missed.
At this point Jamie had done his shift and was replaced by Louis from the Caldy ranks and he set about the task with gusto and showing his team mates what it was like to play for another team. Meanwhile conversation among the Wirral ladies had quickly turned to Taboo on a Saturday night. Mrs Myers-Shone, looking resplendent in her dayglow pink trainers, was a particular fan and it helped serve as a distraction to all the marking she had to do at weekends. Meanwhile, the black and gold tide swept up the pitch again and, despite a desperate attempt at a tap tackle by Josh C, another try was scored. The conversion was again missed. “Merde!” exclaimed Monsieur Nodet at this latest addition to the score.
The restart failed to make 10 metres and Caldy had themselves a scrum on halfway. On the far touchline, home coaches Ant and Dec could be seen busily trying to recruit a new kicking coach. But, before they could say ‘Wales are the greatest rugby team, ever!’- they were obviously speaking to Neil Jenkins- Caldy had gone off down the right wing and cut in to score under the posts. The conversion was scored and the search was suspended. “Merde et Camambert!” exclaimed a thoroughly disheartened Monsieur Nodet. In attempting to stop the try, Cameron M-M, who had being playing out of his skin all match, had injured himself but rather than face an on-the-pitch medical assessment he picked himself up and jogged off for the restart.
Caldy claimed the restart but the ball-catcher was set upon by the marauding Wirral forwards like a pack of wolves attacking a lame Bambi. Wirral flankers, Julian N-O and Cameron M-M had been creating carnage at the breakdown all afternoon and Wirral soon stripped the ball at the resulting maul. Rhys G passed to Peter B who shipped it right to Isaac N who advanced up the field and passed to Tom P who made more yards down the right wing before releasing the ‘money ball’ pass inside to a marauding Kai-bosh C who smashed his way through a packed home defence to charge his way to the whitewash and to register a try. Pandemonium broke out on the touchline as Wirral supporters went into raptures celebrating this first try against Caldy in three outings. “Cordon bleu, c’est magnifique!” exclaimed Monsieur Nodet. Sadly, the conversion attempt hit the top of the crossbar and bounced out.
Still, Wirral were off the mark and the home side was in complete disarray and in danger of a meltdown that one normally associates with the Manchester City back four and their goalkeeper. Ant and Dec were trying to decide which of them was the defence coach so they could be fired the next morning.
Wirral claimed the restart and were on the attack again as the pendulum swung in favour of the visitors. It was all hands to the pumps for the home side who were on the ropes, big style. Kai-bosh C again got the ball and he was charging through the home defence like a one man Ride of the Valkyrie. Had he not expended so much energy in scoring his first try and the celebratory laps of honour that followed then he certainly would have scored a second but he collapsed exhausted just short of the line and the moment was gone. As Ant and Dec pleaded with the referee to blow for half time so they could reorganise, Caldy grabbed the ball and set off down the middle of the pitch to score a try and burst Wirral’s balloons that were in the process of being inflated. The conversion was good.
At this point, the referee finally got the message from the home coaches and blew his whistle for half time.

Half time score Caldy - 38 Wirral - 5.

The referee disappeared somewhere for a cup of tea and a jammy dodger and the teams went into huddles for instructions from their respective coaches. Caldy looked shell-shocked from the last five minutes and their coaches had a very hard job re-building them mentally for the second half. Wirral looked exhausted from all their efforts and Kai-bosh C was sure he was going to be sick.
Among the Wirral parents, conversation returned again to building Trump’s wall along the try line. Sadly, the one person who could have constructed the wall – that is Mr Cottier- was absent.
When the referee had finished his tea and jammy dodger he returned to the field of play and the teams lined up for the re-start. With a blast on his whistle, Caldy kicked off and Wirral safely gathered the ball and set off in attack mode with Ben S and Caleb M-S leading the charge. Once again Kai-bosh C got the ball and set off on another of his marauding runs with defenders being swatted away like flies. Once again, earlier exertions were to take their toll and he fell over and dropped the ball in an effort to stay alive. From the scrum Caldy were able to clear their lines but Wirral were soon on the attack again with Christian H leading the charge but this time the attack was disrupted and where we might have normally had a ruck, we had a bit a bit of a soccer demonstration from both teams.
It was, however, Caldy who regained their composure and returned to ‘type’ first and one of their number picked up the ball and ran off down the field with it and touched it down for another score. The conversion was good.
The restart was deep and was well gathered by the home side who went on the attack again. Caleb M-S and Christian H combined with one of their crunching tackles that delayed the attacking side’s progress by about a second and they were in for another try under the posts. The conversion was good.
After the re-start play ebbed and flowed up and down and sideways across the pitch and everybody was seeing plenty of the ball. But seeing the ball is one thing and having hands on it and running with it is another.
As the match meandered towards its inevitable sad conclusion for the visitors, Caldy broke away down the wing and giving an exhibition of great backs play they ran in another try under the posts. The conversion was good.
At this point, the referee thought he’d better put everyone associated with Wirral under 14’s out of their misery and let them go to the clubhouse for a warm and with a blast on the referee’s whistle he brought the curtain down on Wirral’s Cheshire Plate ambitions.

Final score: Caldy - 59 Wirral - 5.

With that it was time for shaking of hands and hip hip hurray-ing and the forming of tunnels to run through.
Well done to Caldy for an excellent performance and a well-deserved win. Thanks to our match referee for his even and consistent handling of the game. In parts, Wirral looked good and a match for many teams but we just need to start stitching these ‘parts’ together to make a period of dominant play. Next up the Ash Tray.
So, Trump’s Mexican wall didn’t get built on Wirral first and what with Britain’s Trident missiles flying West when they should be going East, then Mr Putin must be sleeping very easily in his bed these days.

Nos da.
Ash.