Hoylake vs Wirral.

Hannah the Boss (aka Liberty) leading the people..... a fine painting by Eugene Delacroix- it's in the Louvre if you want to go and see it. What's this got to do with rugby? Apart from France playing Scotland in the 6 Nations later that day, absolutely nothing. But read on...
There’s nothing to beat a cup of tea while sat in a warm clubhouse on a cold winter’s day. And a warm clubhouse is exactly what our friends at Hoylake RUFC have got. It was to this fine facility that the coaches, parents and supporters of Wirral’s under 14’s immediately made for upon arriving at Hoylake’s Carham Lane ground. Outside, it was cold and with the threat of an impending arctic blast coming in from the north east, there was a natural reluctance to leave these comfortable surroundings.
Somewhere outside, on a pitch far, far away, Wirral coaches Seddon, Chandler and Tin Legs Ivory attempted to warm up the Wirral players with a series of exercises involving hopping, skipping and jumping. Meanwhile, inside the clubhouse, every other adult associated with Wirral under 14’s was sat down, refusing to budge. Well, why would you? What, with conversations about options, parents’ evening, Brexit, Trump and Putin and the price of fish, who would go outside to risk getting exposure or frostbite?
While Wirral welcomed back ‘well-again’ Christy C to the team, this was tempered by the loss of Caleb M-S and Lawrie S to injury and a peaky-looking Ben S being taken home by his mother- apparently, his father had cooked last night. Cameron M-M was also absent but the team was bolstered by recent signing from Nestonians of Kieran R.
By the time most of the Wirral supporters (including your scribe) had dragged themselves, somewhat tardily, out of the comfort of the clubhouse, the match with Hoylake had been going for ten minutes. According to Hannah the Boss, a lady who is never averse to a bit of ‘exposure,’ it had been ‘one way traffic’ and only ‘desperate, last-ditch defending’ by the home side had prevented a ‘landslide of tries.’
Apparently, Wirral had lined up with a front row of Isaac S and Josh C as props and new boy Kieran R went straight into the side as hooker. Needs must and all that….. Kai-bosh C and Christy C were a new second row pairing. Christian H and Tom P were the new flankers and Isaac N was playing No8.
In the ‘backs’ division, Rhys G and Peter B would play at 9 and 10 with Evan R and Julian N-O at centres. On the wing were Miles H and an on-loan Hoylake player with Ollie P at full-back.
There were no ‘finishers’ to come off the bench in this team. As you will have worked out, Wirral only had 14 players. Thanks to Hoylake for the lending out of players.
As the warm-loving coffee drinkers arrived to swell the large crowd and bring their unique brand of wit and humour to the touchline, Wirral’s fortunes took a turn for the worse as the home side burst through down the right wing and, despite a brave tackle that saw Ollie P planted on his back and had Mrs Price wincing on the touchline, the home side were able to plough on and score in the corner. The conversion was missed.
From the re-start there was some good play by Wirral who were able to force the knock-on and from the scrum, Rhys G gathered and fed Isaac N who was supported by Josh C and Kieran R as the visitors went through the phases. Sadly, in the second phase, the ball was stolen back by Hoylake who went on the attack again, only for Peter B to bring down the ball-carrier who lost the ball which was claimed by a rampant Rhys G who set off up the field in a one-man cavalry charge, gaining a dozen or more yards. Sadly, he was felled and Hoylake regained the ball and went on the attack. Play ebbed and flowed back and forth and sideways across the pitch as both sides tackled ferociously and played their hearts out. Unfortunately, Hoylake broke through the defensive line and set off down the left wing to score in the corner. Conversion missed.
The restart was delayed as Rhys G, who had quite clearly run out of gas, was given a couple of blasts of his Ventolin inhaler and then we were good to go. “Isn’t that what Bradley Wiggins did?” asked Mr Astle on the touchline.
Anyway, play resumed and from the restart Hoylake were soon on the attack again where another crunching Ollie P tackle put the brakes on Hoylake’s progress and forced them to shift their focus to the other wing. On the left wing, the ball got to one of their big lads who was quick too. It was here that Isaac S learned what it was like to be hit by an express train and that making a star shape while standing in its path was perhaps not the right way to go about it. The vast crowd held its breath as poor Isaac was splattered to the ground but the Hoylake player did trip over his outstretched arm and the attack was halted. Only when Isaac S moved a leg did the crowd breathe again.
Hoylake were soon back on the attack again, skirmishing down the right wing, where Josh C demonstrated a more conventional way of tackling but this only delayed things and, despite the brave efforts of Julian N-O and Miles H, they were able to break through down the inside channel and score under the posts. The conversion kick was so good that it sailed between the posts and also went between the posts on the next pitch. Sadly no extra points.
Julian N-O took a good restart and Hoylake’s tenure of the ball was fairly brief as the visitors stole the ball but attempts at attack were thwarted as the visitors were forced back. Good play by Rhys G and Peter B saw the ball shipped to the left wing where Evan R received the ball and he was off faster than a toupee in a wind tunnel. No one got near him as he flew down the wing covering 50 yards faster than Usain Bolt before turning inwards to score under the posts. Pandemonium erupted on the touchline among the visiting supporters.
“Quel fromage, c’est magnifique!” exclaimed Monsieur Nodet from the touchline, bringing Gallic charm to the proceedings. As no one stepped forward to take the conversion, Evan was left to take it himself. While Tin Legs and Screech Seddon fought desperately to find the kicking tee and then knock months of dust off it, Hoylake kindly provided one and Evan R thanked them by launching the ball straight between the uprights and far away into the deep grass in an attempt to lose the ball.
But Hoylake are used to this ploy by visiting teams and they had a new ball ready for the re-start. The ever-willing Tom P claimed the ball and set off on the attack. Play continued to ebb and flow up and down and across the pitch as both teams strung the phases together and rucked and counter-rucked like there was no tomorrow. One Hoylake attack made good progress down the left wing before the ball-carrier was driven into touch by the dominant Julian N-O. With a new hooker, Wirral cut the lineout to three and this confused the home forwards. Wirral secured the uncontested line-out and Rhys G fed Peter B who lumped the ball down the field causing mass confusion among the home team. Evan R won the foot race to the ball and he booted it down the field towards the try line. Sadly a defender got there first and the try was prevented. Soon after, Hoylake were back on the attack and they were able to burst through and score under the posts. Conversion was scored.
“Merde!” exclaimed Monsieur Nodet who by now was teaching a contingent of Wirral supporters La Marseillaise- a gentle folk song about cutting the throats of sons and women and soaking the countryside in the blood of invaders. ……. Le jour de gloire est arrivee!
The re-start was well claimed by the visitors and Josh C led the charge up the field but he found himself driven into touch. Hoylake claimed the uncontested lineout and it was their turn to attack but new boy Kieran R halted proceedings with a great tackle. “Who taught him to tackle like that?” questioned Scratchy Chandler. “Well, it certainly wasn’t us” came the candid reply.
Wirral seized the ball and it found its way by some deft passing to Kai C who set off down the field like a human windmill, swatting away defenders like they were flies. Had the pass left been marginally ahead of a supporting Evan R instead of a yard behind, then Wirral would have been looking at a second score. Unfortunately, the latter option transpired and Hoylake regained possession and set off down the pitch to score again. Conversion was good.
By now the referee was exhausted after all this running about and he desperately needed a lie down. What breath he had left was used to blow his whistle and bring the first half to a close.

Half time score……….. Hoylake - 31 Wirral - 7.

While our match referee had a lie down and a junior aspirin, both teams huddled together to discuss tactics with their respective coaches. Wirral’s on loan winger re-joined his teammates, to be replaced by another chap who was kindly volunteered to help the visitors. Hannah the Boss did her bit to encourage the Wirral players with offers of £50 for each try scored.
Hannah the Boss soon got the conversation among the Wirral supporters and also many Hoylake supporters, who were listening nearby, on to the subject of ‘threesomes.’ So distracted was everybody by this that nobody noticed that all the players had lined up, the referee had blown his whistle and the second half was well underway. Monsieur Nodet had long given up trying to teach the second verse. In fact, the conversation was only finally ended when a Hoylake player got the ball and set off down the left wing before cutting in to score under the posts. How rude! In a subtle change of tactics, Hoylake had decided to stop taking conversions as they wasted too much time.
The restart soon led to a scrum which was pretty evenly matched but with Christy C in the 2nd row causing mayhem and carnage at the set-piece, the referee was left completely bamboozled as each scrum went up, down, wheeled left and then wheeled right so he had no idea what decision to make- he was left hoping that the ball might emerge at some stage. When it did, eventually, Hoylake were caught off-side and Wirral had a penalty. Isaac N took charge and kicked the ball into the corner.
With Wirral’s shortened three man lineout (that’s what Hannah was talking about?) winning their own put-in every time, Hoylake were confused and their redundant forwards scanned the horizon to see where the attack would come from. In a move straight off the training ground, though not necessarily Wirral’s, the throw went to the front where Kai C gathered and spun right, dodging the tackler, and charging over the line to score. Try to Wirral. Conversion missed- the kicking tee had been put away.
Play continued to ebb and flow in all directions as both sides strung phase after phase together as they attempted to build the pressure. Both sides were good at stealing the ball at rucks and mauls. Isaac S repeated the ‘starburst’ type of tackle on a moving express train and the result was no different- splat! Everybody was just relieved that he wasn’t killed in the collision. This time it was left to Christian H to bring the ball carrier down and halt the attack.
On the touchline, Mr Cottier expressed reservations about whether, in these days of austerity and cutbacks under this fascist Government, an ambulance could actually be found to answer an emergency call. It was pointed out that he’d missed a few weeks and had only re-appeared after Liverpool had, eventually, won a game. He refused to comment. Meanwhile, Hoylake broke through the visitors’ defensive line and scored a try. Without a kicking tee, the kicker attempted a drop goal, successfully.
With Josh C, Ollie P, Tom P and Peter B tackling anything that breathed and Kai C, Julian N-O, Isaac S, Evan R, Miles H and Rhys G continuing to make charging in-roads into Hoylake territory coupled with the absolute mayhem that Christy C with lieutenants Kieran R, Christian H and Isaac S were creating in the scrum, the excitement among the Wirral supporters at the step-up in performance was rising to fever-pitch. Hannah the Boss was getting particularly ‘animated’ according to her husband. Just as everyone was thinking time was about up, Hoylake burst through again and, despite desperate tackling from Kieran R, Josh C and Miles H, they managed to cross the whitewash for another score. The drop-kick conversion attempt was missed.
“Sacre Coeur et pommes de terre!” exclaimed a disappointed Monsieur Nodet, at which point the referee took the hint and blew his whistle to bring a curtain down on the morning’s proceedings.

Final score:- Hoylake - 48 Wirral - 12.

Then it was time for the time-honoured tradition of shaking hands, hip, hip hurraying and making tunnels to run through. Thanks and well-played to our hosts Hoylake and especially to the two lads who swapped sides to even up the numbers and played very well. Thanks also to Mark for refereeing the game so consistently and evenly. At this point it was time to make a bolt for the warmth of the clubhouse.
Wirral played well for long periods of the game and were stringing phases of good play together and we scored a couple of really good tries.
Training at Wirral next week for those that can make it.

Marchons! Marchons! Qu’un sang impur Abreuve nos sillons!

Allez France!

Nos da!
Ash.