Wirral vs Anselmians.

Mr Blue Sky, pleases tell us why you had to hide away for so long, where did we go so wrong…… so sang ELO on their 1977 Out of the Blue double album- for those of you who are into vinyl. What has this got to do with rugby? Well, as is usual with these ramblings, absolutely nothing, except that, with today’s visit of our good friends from Malone Field, the sun was shining and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky.
The sun is shining in the sky, there ain’t a cloud in sight…….
Both teams had had seasons they’d rather forget where both had often struggled to put fifteen players on to the pitch for games but today the gods were shining on us. But only just. For the first time since the start of December Wirral had 15 players and for only the first time since October, Wirral had a sub. Saints were buoyed by the late arrival of two players so they could field a fifteen with no subs. Thanks BHP!
Hey there Mr Blue, we’re so pleased to be with you……..
Despite adversity, the supporters rocked up to Wirral’s Memorial Ground in their droves, in good spirits and with high expectancy of a keenly and closely fought contest where rugby would be the winner and everybody could go into the summer recess in good heart. For you English, today was St Georges Day and Mr Sixsmith was quoting Shakespeare in the carpark before he reffed the under 16’s (I think) game with Bangor. “Cry God for Harry! England and Saint George!”
For the under 14’s, the only Harry on the field was Harry H who plays scrum-half for Saints. Was that an omen? With head coach Shaun ‘Screech’ Seddon limping up and down with a painful hip, it was left to Scratchy Chandler and Tin Legs Ivory to put the home team through their warm-up routines and fine tune their ‘set plays.’
Wirral would line up with a front row of Josh C, Ben S and Isaac S. The locks would be Kai C and Caleb M-S and the back row forwards would be Christy C and Cameron MM as flankers and Isaac S as No 8. Rhys G would play scrum half with Peter B at fly-half. The centres would be Evan R and Julian N-O and on the wings would be Christian H and Tom P with Ollie P at full-back. Miles H would be sub, but he was sure to get a chance to play some rugby. Josh C would be team captain for today’s game.
The week had not been a good one for Screech Seddon. Not only had Warren Gatland again overlooked him for the forthcoming Lions tour of New Zealand but Eddie Jones wasn’t even going to give him a place on the tour to Argentina. Not even as Bar Secretary. “Godammit, I’m going to have to work in June, now!” he complained. Mrs Seddon commented that if an orthopaedic surgeon was set loose on his hip, knee and ankle then he’d surely just amputate at the hip and spare himself the lower joints. Our coach would just have a giant ‘blade’ to get about on. Screech Seddon – Flashing Blade.
As eleven o’clock approached, our referee, Mr Nisbet, called the captains over and a coin was tossed. Josh C won this and elected to receive the kick off. The noise from the multitudes in the crowd rose to a crescendo as kick-off approached. If only Matty Cairns could get a crowd half as big as this for his first team’s matches. Dead on eleven, Mr Nisbet blew his whistle and Saints launched the ball high into the blue sky and into a non-existent breeze.
When it came down, several moments later, Rhys G was there to catch it and pass it left and Wirral were on the attack. Wirral’s supporters were heartened by the positivity and skill being shown by the team. “This is great!” enthused your scribe “normally we’re two scores down by now.” Moments later, Saints stole the ball at a ruck and ran in a try under the posts. “Just keep your mouth shut, Ash” exclaimed a disappointed Hannah the Boss, wishing she had a custard pie to shove in the wretch’s face. The conversion was good.
The restart failed to go 10 metres and we had a scrum on halfway. This was stolen by Wirral and Isaac N set Wirral off on another attack and quick passing though Peter B and Julian N-O sent Evan R flying off down the left wing like a cat with its tail on fire. It took a great tackle to stop him but Wirral soon had a line out. How Wirral lost an uncontested line-out we will never know and will surely be debated fully by the on-looking gods on Mount Olympus for months to come. But they did and Saints were on the attack again, only to be halted by another Josh C tackle and Peter B was able to lump the ball up the field. The bounce flummoxed the Saints full-back and in the resulting melee, Wirral gained themselves a penalty. Without any fuss, Rhys G kicked the ball into the corner for a 5 meter line-out. He had obviously been watching his mother’s Dan Biggar coaching DVD. Mrs Myers-Shone, looking resplendent in pink trainers, was ecstatic at the quality of rugby on show. “Come on, boys!” she roared. Wirral claimed this lineout but then got driven into touch by a resilient Saints defence for the loss of a few yards. Saints were soon on the attack and marauding down the field like mass of whirling Dervishes. Peter B stopped the first phase and Josh C flattened the ball carrier in the next phase with a tackle that would have knocked the fillings out of a T. Rex, always assuming that T. Rexes had fillings 65 Million years ago. Which they didn’t, but you get the picture. This enabled Wirral to drive Saints into touch for a line-out 5 meters from their own try line. This was won but panic broke out in the home defence and the ball was dropped in the in-goal area and an easy try was conceded. Conversion was good.
The restart failed to go 10 and from another scrum on half way, Saints gathered the ball and three passes later, as a large part of the Wirral defence adopted another ELO song – Turn To Stone - as their mantra, Saints were to run in another easy try. Conversion was missed. This saw Isaac S taken off for a lie down and junior disprin and Miles H came off the bench to halt the Saints’ victory parade.
A much better restart kick was gathered by Saints in front of their 22 and off they set, with the ball carrier choosing to avoid Josh C and run around him and then turning towards the try line where an easier path through the defence awaited and then it was a straightforward trot to the white wash. The conversion was good. After the initial feelings of optimism, a mood of deep despair and despondency was descending upon the home supporters, like dense sea fog or a visit from the Inland Revenue. Mr Pryce put away his camera and abandoned any thoughts of posting a shed–load of photos of home tries and glorious conversion kicks on the club website. Mr Cottier started contemplating the horrors of another five years of Mrs May and her austerity Brexit. “Merde!” exclaimed Monsieur Nodet as he contemplated driving to Manchester to vote in the French Presidential elections. C’est vrai!
The restart was good but it was safely gathered and the next Saints attack set off down the field. Brave tackles by Josh C, Ben S, Julian N-O and Ollie P put the brakes on things and the ball was stolen and Peter B lumped the ball down the field to clear. The ball was caught on halfway by the Saints’ full back who ran the ball back, weaving right and left, completely untouched for another score. Turn to Stone, all over again. Conversion missed. “Merde! Cinquante nuances de merde!” exclaimed Monsieur Nodet, thinking that a vote for Marine le Pen might not be a bad idea after all.
At this point, Mr Nisbet decided that everybody needed a rest and he needed to check his abacus for the score, so he blew his whistle for half time. “Thank God for that” exclaimed the home coaches and supporters who had collectively turned a ‘Whiter Shade of Pale’ at what they had just witnessed. (I know that’s not an ELO song!)

Half time score : Wirral - 0 Anselmians - 31.

Kai C came off looking particularly ashen-faced after a late night’s sleep-over and would have to sit out a big chunk of the second half. Back into the fray would be thrown Isaac S. While the players had a collective rest and a drink of water, conversation on the touchline was dominated by talk of Brexit, the election and full frame DSLR cameras. Hannah the Boss was lamenting how her twin carb, supercharged Kawasaki Veyron motorbike had failed to get up Kelsall Hill the previous day.
Wirral’s team returned to the arena for the second half with all the enthusiasm of a group going to face the firing squad. Mr Nisbet called the teams to order and with a blast on his whistle Julian N-O launched the ball high into the Stratosphere in the hope that it might adhere to a piece of space debris and fail to return to earth. Life’s not quite as simple as that, as we were to find out when the ball returned to earth and it was claimed by Saints who then went straight down the middle of the pitch like Moses, in a great parting of the waves, to score between the posts. Conversion good.
Just in case anyone had missed it, from the restart Saints reclaimed the ball and again one of their players set off down the pitch to register another try. Wirral waved him on his way as he ran through. Conversion good. To say Wirral heads had dropped was an understatement.
At this point Mr Nisbet offered Coach Screech Seddon the chance of an early drink at the bar but, in true Dunkirk spirit, he insisted on playing on in the hope that a Wirral revival was just round the corner and then he wouldn’t have to re-write his Minis and Junior’s Coaches Dinner speech.
Wirral’s restart failed to make 10 metres, in fact it went back 10 metres. The resultant scrum was won against the head as Wirral’s mighty pack surged forward and Miles H was able to pick up and pass to Julian N-0 who fed Cameron M-M who passed to Christian H who off-loaded to Tom P who scampered off down the wing like a shot rabbit only to be guided into touch for a Saints lineout. This was claimed and Saints were able to get their driving maul going except that Caleb M-S was able to nick the ball and ship it to Miles H who passed right to Evan R who was off faster than a toupee in a wind tunnel. It took a monumental defensive effort to force him into touch. Soon after Wirral were back on the defensive inside their own 22. Wirral were able to steal the ball and they cleared their lines by kicking it to halfway on the left side of the pitch. The only problem was that, as a Saints player collected the ball, the whole of the home side was stood on the right half of the pitch and all he had to do was jog to the try line to score. He could have walked it in, really. Conversion scored.
The restart soon saw Saints back on the attack and from a lineout the ball was fed inside and two passes later another score was registered. The conversion was missed.
Yet another restart failed to go 10 metres but this time Saints let Wirral have another go and the retake was good. In fact, it was too good and Saints knocked on for a scrum to Wirral. Wirral overpowered the Saints scrum again and off set Isaac N, supported by Christy C who had been creating mayhem at the breakdown all game. The ball carrier was hauled to the ground and the ball was stolen by a Saints player who set off down the left wing to score again from 60 yards out, with a chasing Isaac N in hot pursuit. The conversion was good.
The restart was claimed but the resulting offload was deemed forward and we had a scrum to Wirral. Saints soon had the ball and this time they attacked down the left wing to score under the posts. The conversion was good. At the restart, Mr Nisbet announced the last play and a knock-on gave him the chance to blow his whistle and draw a veil over the morning’s proceedings.

Final score: Wirral - 0 Anselmians - 71.

Well done to Saints for their fine win. Many thanks to Mr Nisbet for his refereeing of the game. Then, in the time-honoured way, it was time for shaking hands and hip hip hurraying and forming tunnels to run through.
So much for all this God, Harry, England and St George! A far better line from Henry V is: ‘Would I were in an alehouse in London!’ we wouldn’t need to travel to London- the clubhouse would do.
And so endeth the 2016-17 season for the under 14’s. At best, it can be described as a struggle.
Mr Blue sky!

Nos da!
Ash.