Bring me sunshine in your smile.... sang the nation's favourite comic duo, in what seems like an 'age' ago. Dammit, it was an 'age' ago.
Sunshine and Mediterranean temperatures were what we had been promised for the weekend that Old Parkonians were to visit Ocean Field. What we got was somewhat different. Even at 9.15am the BBC's own weather girl, the damnably handsome Helen Willetts, had shown us on the Andrew Marr show that the rain had passed over the Wirral and it was the Midlands that was getting a soaking. Outside my kitchen window it was lashing down. Come on Helen, get it right!
So, instead of tee-shirts, Bermuda shorts and sunglasses, everyone arrived at Wirral's Memorial Ground with umbrellas, macs and wellies.
As the players assembled, Wirral's own comic due of Seddon and Chand put the final touches in place to their plans for the final match before our Cheshire Plate semi-final with Lymm.
As the start of the match approached, concern started to grow among the 'home' parents and coaches about the paucity in numbers of visiting players. 'Oxton isn't that far away, they can't have got lost, could they?' were questions asked. More likely an explanation was what a good many looked out of their bedroom windows and, seeing the rain, decided in favour of a lie in.
Eight had made the trip and with Wirral donating five players to the visitors' ranks, we had ourselves a game.
"It's nice out," said funny man Eric Seddon.
"The rain will stop at 10 o'clock" replied straight man, Ernie Chand, with confidence.
"But it's 11 o'clock and it's still raining" pointed out Hannah the Boss from under her hood. "This rain has ruined my hair!"
At 11am, on the dot, match referee, Mr Winstanley, introduced Wirral's captain for the day, Josh C, to Parkonians' captain for the day and somewhere in the rain a coin was tossed.
With a blast on the whistle, toss-winners Parkonians kicked off.
The opening exchanges were fast and furious, as the visiting players tried to show the Wirral players playing for them their set moves. "Set plays, what are they?" Sophie H was heard to ask. "Our coaches don't teach us any of them."
After a rolling maul, Wirral broke out with the ball and quickly butchered a try with a forward pass that was so obvious that it was clearly seen on the International Space Station, orbiting overhead. Fortunately Mr W saw it and promptly blew up.
Soon after, Tom Decoy claimed the ball and, after selling Sophie a dummy, set off down the pitch on one of his long runs, dodging multiple tackles for our opening try. Sam D duly converted. (7-0).
Soon after, Tom Decoy went on another of his long and weaving runs, dodging tackles everywhere, as Wirral broke out of defence, for another try. The ever-willing Tom Price, ran the whole length of the pitch in a superb supporting run, pulling defenders out of position, but all in vain as the Decoy wouldn't pass him the ball. Sam D converted. (14-0).
Parkonians continued to press and, once again, a Wirral break-out of defence, led by George W charging down the wing was only ended by Sophie H, playing for Parks, propelling him into touch. "Ha!" she said "got you."
Soon after, another period of Parks' pressure was ended as Harry stole the ball and set off down the pitch on a surging run. He looked around and passed to Tom Decoy (not him again) who promptly ran the ball home for another try. Sam D converted. (21-0).
The developing pattern continued as the visitors pressurised the home defence on their try line. A rolling maul did cross the line but the ball was held up by valiant and desperate defence. From the resulting scrum V, Rhys G, playing as hooker for the visitors, was tackled as he tried to cross the line.
"Come on Rhys!" yelled his mother.
"Which team are you supporting?" she was asked, by a casual observer.
"I am supporting my son!" came her reply with ardour and passion. (not 'passion' in a romantic sense, but with 'enthusiasm').
Harry stole the ball and having gone into the in-goal area, tried to kick the ball down the field. In a moment that illustrated the quality of training he has received at Wirral he kicked 'thin air' but still had the wits about him to catch the ball and dab it down for a scrum V to the visitors. He's obviously been watching his dad's Gethin Jenkins box set of DVD's that Vel got him for Christmas.
The visitors' scrum was obviously disrupted by having insurgents in its ranks and things did not go to plan. George W burst out of defence and set off down the pitch, in one of his trademark 'road-runner' like weaving, bending, let's cover every blade of grass, runs that ended with him touching down. GPS tracking would show that he had covered 2.8 miles to score this try. After all that effort no one else was going to take the conversion and, fortunately, he succeeded.(28-0).
In another Wirral break-out, George W hurtled off down the wing and fearful of being smashed in the tackle by the approaching Sophie, he off-loaded to Peter on the wing who took the ball on before passing to Wirral's wrecking-ball of a No8 that is Christy Cottier. Quite surprisingly, the visitors' defence did what no one else has managed to do this season and stopped Mr C grounding the ball. Scrum V to Wirral. New scrum-half discovery, Josh H got the ball at the back of the scrum and darted over to score a try. The Decoy converted it for him. (35-0).
After another spell of Parkonians pressure, we then had another Wirral break-out as Tom D led the charge. He passed to Tom P who passed it back to Tom D, who passed it back to Tom P who passed it to Tom D, who then held on to it to score himself. This has become known as the Tom-Tom try. George W broke up the party and took the conversion. (42-0).

At this point, our match referee, who was in need of a lie down and a drink and a new pen to record all the scoring. blew his whistle and brought proceedings to a close for half time.

Score at half time 42-0.

Bring me sunshine in your smile bring me laughter all the while...... but it just continued to rain.

At this point, I feel I need to explain that my notes, having been the victim of rain fall, had take on the appearance of multiply-used chip paper and it has become increasingly difficult to make any sense of them.
Hence, the notes for the second half are a lot shorter than those for the first, except for the bits where I've used poetic licence.

It was still raining as the players trooped out for the second half. With the correct signal from our referee, Sam D, fly-half, kicked off, to get proceedings underway. After a Park kick out of defence Wirral took the ball and from 8 metres out, Josh C barged his way over in a run of true grit and determination to register a try. Generously he gave the ball to Peter B to score the conversion. (7-0).
There then followed a period of prolonged pressure on the Wirral try line as the visitors attacked and attacked. On two occasions five metre scrums were awarded as on two occasions the home defence 'held up' try scoring efforts. However, not even the good soldiers of Rourke's Drift could have held out against this level of sustained attack and eventually Joe the Fury, in a determined drive, with defenders hanging off every limb, crossed for a try. One of Parks' regulars took the conversion. (7-7).
Then it was Wirral's turn to press and, in a rare moment, Ben Seddon drove the ball over for a try. In an even rarer moment Ben S took his own conversion. The posts remained un-threatened as Ben's kick took out a man with an umbrella who was minding his own business by the corner flag. (12-7).
Play was soon back in close proximity to the visitors' try line and after a 5 metre scrum, scrum-half Josh H, received the ball to run round the corner and exploit a gap in the defence to score his second try of the day. Determined to show that his time watching the Gethin Jenkins box-set of DVD's hadn't been wasted, Harry took the conversion and, surprisingly, no one was killed in the attempt and the extra points were registered. (19-7).
Further attacking from the home side nearly saw Peter cross for a try- well, he crossed- but for the third time that day, play was called back for an earlier knock on or forward pass, when he was in space, and the boy didn't get his try

As we were getting near to the end of the game, discussions broke out between Seddon and Chand as to who our man of the match was going to be. It was a two horse race between Tom Decoy and Rocket George W. As Rocket had narrowly missed out the previous week, it was decided that George was to be the receiver of this prestigious award.
And then he blew it. A punt up field was gamely chased by the Rocket but as defender Sophie stooped waiting to collect the ball she was felled from behind in a grievous assault.
'The cad!' 'the bounder!' 'how could he tackle a girl without the ball?' exclaimed the home parents.
'Yellow card!' 'Red card!' 'Black card!' exclaimed the men in the International Space Station who were still orbiting overhead.
Black card? -yes, this is a little-used card, these days, where the offending player is taken straight to the nearest tree and hanged. It is still used in parts of Snowdonia and the Lake District, where the Children's Act can't be enforced.
The offence was dealt with in a more sensible fashion by our match official, with a penalty to the visitors.
Soon after, Mr W blew his whistle to bring proceedings to a close.
Score for this half was 19-7.
Then there was the customary hip hip hurrahs, three cheers and shaking of hands.

Final score 61 - 7 to Wirral.

Bring me sunshine in your smile, bring me laughter all the while.
In this Wirral where we play there should be more happiness
So much joy you can give to each brand new bright tomorrow.

Except it was still raining.

In the past two games, Wirral under 12's have scored 96 points, which is more than the total for the rest of this season and the whole of last season, probably, put together.
Lymm will be quaking in their boots, I'm sure.

Tom Decoy was today's man of the match.

Meanwhile, back in the clubhouse afterwards.
"These coaches' jackets don't keep the rain out, very well, do they?" mused Eric Seddon, between sups of San Miguel.
"The rain will stop at 10 o'clock" replied straight man, Ernie Chand, also between sups of San Miguel.

The sun came out at 1.30pm, as we went home.

Bring me fun, bring me sunshine and bring me love.

Yuck! Valentine's Day is well gone.

Nos Da!
Ash.

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